Life - Phase 2
by
Barbara Morris Fischer
Marc Binstock
© 2008 Barbara Morris Fischer and
Marc Binstock
PO Box 243474
Boynton Beach, FL 33406
ISBN 0-912658-02-9
Acknowledgment
Special thanks to PlentyofFish.com for organizing singles events. Couples like Michael
and Michelle were able to meet where it was otherwise impossible to happen.
Thanks to Starbuck’s for hosting singles events like the one at Mizner Park where
Michael and Michelle met.
Thanks to Barnes and Noble for providing a great social environment for e-daters and laptop
users.
Special thanks to Barnes and Noble support buddies: Jim B, Patrick, Jeff L, Jeff F, Paula,
and Grayson.
A big thank you to many online daters who inspired the writing of this book, especially
Sandy, Jane, David M, Roger S, Howard H, Rocco L, Rich, Carson, Paul S,
And thank you to my incredibly supportive neighbors Frank and Catherine, Barbara, Janet,
Pearl, and Ginny.Poetry by Michelle is actually by Barbara Morris Fischer and can be read at
www.BarbarasPoetry.com
Dedicated to our brave "Phase 2" kids
It's not desirable to see your mom or dad divorced or widowed. But some couples are just
unhappy married to each other and can‘t change those feelings. And some beloved parents die.If you love your single mom or dad, you will be glad to know that they are safe and comforted
facing life's daily chores and challenges with a new adult friend and partner, rather than being all alone.
Step-parents love and admire each other's kids because they see you as an extension of their new
loved one. You're lucky to get an extra friend in your family who cares about your well-being
and that of your mom or dad who'd otherwise be facing life alone. (Sadly, some people have no family).
Foreword
"Life - Phase 2."All marriages end...
50% in divorce, the others in death.
If you live long enough you are certain to enter
The big question is what to do now?
This is YOUR time to develop a new life, with new goals, with a wonderful person. Possibly, this is the person fate intended you to be with in the first place, needless to mention the second place. If you let go of the past and focus on the present moment, you can fall in love again…
even more than once, in a short space of time.
To borrow from Alexander Pope:
“Heav'n from all creatures hides the book of Fate,
All but the page prescribed, their present state.”
This is your second chance at life. You’re able to enter fully experienced and much less likely to repeat a mistake. Use this gift in your hands wisely.
Why cling to the memory of a love that can never be yours again? Tuck the sweet memory in a trinket box and don't look back at it. If you are determined to find a new love, and those secure good feelings of two people focused on each other, start searching now. It's out there. You will find it.
The purpose of this book is to inform Phase 2 people about what surprises they may encounter in their new life, just as began one April evening for Michelle Alexander and Michael Harris.
You thought you were the "captain of your ship." Suddenly you may discover that even 35-year old children want to influence your intelligent decisions and make you live a life that “they” choose.
You may see your religion in a mature new light, especially if you were never observant and meet someone who is. You are seeing and respecting how history was preserved for you. And your grown kids may rebel.
In Judaism, marriage is a mitzvah, (a requirement of the Torah). And even if the couple is too old to have children, it is still a requirement, because only in marriage are we truly "giving" the way G-d intended us to be, and with each of us focused on giving to the other, we are receiving from our partner. (You can trust that what G-d tells us is best for our survival. And G-d tells us "The condition of a man without a wife is not good.")
Today we have the ultimate matchmaker...online dating services. No one "knows" you like you know yourself. So cruise the listings and see who appears to say things that connect with your
way of thinking. Give them a heads up.
You’ll discover wonderful people you never had a chance to meet before. You may discover emotions you didn’t know you had dormant inside you. It pays to be courageous about forming new circles of friends. They have interesting beliefs and experiences to share with you.
It's time to put your "baggage" in the attic and allow yourself the luxury and joy of starting your
life from today forward. Get to "know" and enjoy other people without scaring them away by becoming possessive.
Allow yourself to say to someone you care about, "I'm really enjoying the time we spend together. I care about you a lot, and I know things might seem intense since we've gotten very close, very quickly, but please don't let that scare you. Let's just enjoy each other's company and see where this goes... no pressure, okay?"
Don't let hurts from the past instill fear of loss or failure in you. Remember that you overcame hurt and adversity and you're still intact. There are no guarantees of anything in life, except that you have the ability to go on having a happy life if that happens to you again. Most likely, whatever happened to you with someone else won't happen the same with a different person.
If you had doubts and negative thoughts about "Life-Phase 2," tuck them away and hang on. This may be the thrill-ride of your life.
The authors of "Life-Phase 2" believe that people of any age are happiest and safest when they have a partner to share life's joys and challenges. The past needs to be left in its place.
We all have the ability to begin anew and shape our tomorrows as "Life-Phase 2" unfolds.
What will happen to YOU on the day you find yourself just like 58 year old Michelle, and 50 year old Michael who were thrown, against their will, into a world they'd never choose to be in? Widowed... Divorced... suddenly single!
One April evening in Florida their Life-Phase 2 adventure began, and there’s a strong possibility that a similar adventure is waiting for you.
For many years your life was in order. You were in control of your own universe, safely married. Your friends and family were in their stellar position in your universe.
Divorce or widowhood throws people into a period of intense grief and uncertainty due to a feeling of failure and fear that it may happen again, fear of what a new unfamiliar lifestyle will be. It leaves you sleeping alone with only your hazy faded memories, pondering what went wrong.
Divorce causes serious problems like joint custody of friendships. It slashes the net worth that you built over a lifetime and can create debt where there was none. The threat of such an upheaval is what keeps many people staying in (even bad) marriages.
Widowhood can cause deep grief to overtake your emotions in the midst of any happy moment, whenever a passerby or a few words trigger reflective memories. The intense hope and focus on keeping that person alive ended in shock.
Widowed, you may feel as if you long to go home, yet there is no more home. The stable familiar part of your life, like a secure private retreat, was torn from you. It can never be replaced. Unresolved issues, can never be mended, and unsaid words remain so forever.Hearts get broken sometimes. Even though we marry with the best intentions, marriages
don't last “forever.” All marriages end... 50% in divorce, the others in death.
After it's over, when you're READY to move into Life - Phase 2, you'll feel the shift within you. Just don't confuse FEAR with not being ready.
You'll know you're ready when you naturally begin to feel attracted to new and interesting people. You'll feel an openness in your heart and a desire to connect with another person. You’ll be asking yourself many times, “Is this the person fate chose for me?” until suddenly
the events that happen make you realize it is!
Life-Phase 2 is a story of people who move into the second phase of their lives using online dating.
Following is a story of Michelle and Michael who were forced by fate to enter the second phase of their lives. Their attraction to each other appears to both of them to be caused by a higher power since, when they met, neither of them was meeting the person they were hoping to find.
Michelle's unanticipated problems with Michael can happen to anyone entering a new relationship after a long marriage. How Michelle handles the unexpected challenges of this relationship will be a deciding factor for its success.
Michael, on the other hand, will need to maintain the maturity not to lose patience with Michelle as he attempts to convert her to his very different lifestyle. His religious observance is strongly integrated with his social life.
Michelle has always carried righteousness in her heart, but her family broke away from religious observance before she was born. She had only a glimpse of it at the home of her father’s sister, enough to understand and reject it.
After the death of her husband Paul, she senses a longing to be closer to G-d.
But Michelle’s creativity demands abstract thinking and spontaneity. She rejects the interruption and regimentation of orthodox religious observance for herself, yet she found herself feeling in awe of Michael's piety.
Michael is recently divorced, a condition that Michelle can’t comprehend. Michelle has been contentedly married for 40 years. Michael fears that his family will think Michelle influenced his divorce decision if he mentions her too soon.
It becomes the first pitfall of dating someone not yet available. Can patience and faith stop a loving relationship from leading nowhere? Should anyone risk dating someone not yet available?
Many online daters find love and live happily ever after. This little online dating scenario that may happen to YOU:
You meet a new guy and he seems PERFECT.
He's charming, funny, interesting,
and - best of all - he appears to be really into YOU!
He flirts...you flirt back. He asks you out... You accept.
You begin dating and it couldn't be better.
The connection... the chemistry... everything about
him is just AMAZING.
You feel like you're living in a romantic comedy and you've found your leading man.
You even hear the soundtrack in your head - "I'm walking on sunshine...
YEAAAHHH... and don't it feel good!"
Everyone who takes that brave leap back into the dating world after a break feels some apprehension, but the only way to overcome that fear is to face it and discover, through new experiences, that there are wonderful people out there (who are nothing like your ex). TRUE LOVE *does* exist, but you can't find it if you never open your heart again.
Some people are alone inside their marriage for many years, either as care givers or before they face up to divorce. After being married for many years, and then a long time alone, possibly for longer than one can bear, you will see actual emails of online daters who became aware of a great means of connecting with a new partner again.
**************
All Michelle’s initial emails, phone calls, and dates that follow lead you to the story of Michael and Michelle who were thrust into "Life, Phase 2" and how online dating led them to find each other.
They discovered that the deepest emotions of love can be re-awakened at 50 years old and beyond, after a lifetime of marriage and having raised children into self-reliant adults.
Robert Browning's famous words (intended for his relationship with Elizabeth) can also be applied to “Life - Phase 2...”
"Grow old along with me,
The best is yet to be,
The last of life...
for which the first was made."
Those lines take on a new twist as Michelle and Michael have already experienced the first segment of their life, and that made them ready for “the best that is yet to be,” a mature love, deep and satisfying, able to confront life's issues together, aware of what they now want in a partner.
Everyone needs a human support system to get through troubled times successfully. They need that more than ever to enter Life-Phase 2. It is also how the youthful 58 year old widow, Michelle, garnered self-confidence by weaving together a support chain of new friendships.
What may have been an earth-shaking event at first can lead to discovering who you really morphed into over the years, and who you'd like to spend your remaining years with.
Today the success of many new relationships is owed to the welcoming environment of meeting places like a Barnes And Noble cafe. It will remind you of TV's longest running sitcom "Cheers" but without the alcohol. In fact, the over 50 crowd tends to choose “healthy” over alcohol. Bars are passe’.Among the amusing topics being discussed most evenings are "online dating" experiences.
**********
It was October in south Florida, three weeks after the funeral of Paul Alexander, Michelle's
62- year-old husband.
Every day after Paul died Michelle crawled through her daily tasks dazed. The first few weeks after his death her compassionate neighbors and her son Michael and his wife Elaine called and visited, brought food, and kept her occupied with their own stories. Gradually they drifted back into their familiar lives, day turned into night, and she'd awaken to each new day, alone, intensely alone.
She is viewing pictures on her computer, trying to make sense of her memories, and envision her tomorrows. She never realized how her late husband Paul was driving her life-force, her reason for existing.
For the past six years Paul was struggling for every breath he took.
Yet, he was still youthful and handsome, tall, dark and lean, (the ex-"Marlboro Man" in his slim-fitted western attire). His dreamy-eyed glances kept Michelle aware that she was still attractive and desirable. He made her feel smart and needed every time he thanked her for her loving care.
She'd always give him a quick hug and a peck of a kiss, so he'd feel that he was still loved, though with no breath to spare, making love was no longer an option. Being needed and appreciated can become a profoundly soul-fulfilling substitute for physical love-making.
Her days began, ran, and ended caring for Paul, preparing breathing treatments, opening and closing his window, switching oxygen tanks, giving him sponge baths, watching the hours for his meals and medications, hurriedly shopping for food and medicine while they stayed connected by cell phone.
It wasn't a lifestyle anyone would choose. But it was Michelle's life, and the life of most who elect to become care givers to a spouse before they are widowed.
All the hours in between Paul's care she ran her online publishing company from home. She was thankful to interact with clients and be available if Paul needed her help. She sold a selection of collectibles from a drop-shipper on eBay, and it subsidized the prescription bills.
Michelle now clicks from one picture to another searching for answers to what purpose life will have without taking care of Paul. She remembers how she sat at his bedside in the hospital and clung to his hand and prayed in her heart for days, often sleeping fitfully in the chair beside him. She waited tensely for any new movement or sound of consciousness instead of the uniform mechanical breathing.
For one brief moment, his big hazel eyes opened and were staring blankly at her, "I know, I know," she soothed him, but she believed he wasn't seeing her. His eyes closed again. He never opened those eyes again or regained consciousness.
Paul was the only man she'd ever made love to.
An uncontrollable hollow sorrow overcomes her slender form each time she remembers how all the good she invested into their marriage was not rewarded, but killed and buried.
She remembers how methodically Paul followed the medical advice and how he craved health information to keep himself alive. He didn't want to leave his treasured wife abandoned, confused… alone... single, after 40 caring and protective years.
Her thoughts return to the present. She pulls a tissue from the flowered green box alongside the computer, and wipes away what she hopes will be the last of her tears. She tells herself if G-d wanted people to be alone, He'd have scattered them over the wilderness. "People need to be needed."
She knew what she was missing was a reason for living, being needed by another adult person. Michelle was becoming aware that the first move out of grief requires other people.
She can't find comfort thinking of her 36 year old son and his wife. They were the first to forget to stay connected. If they're not running their furniture store, they're away on a cruise. Familiar friends are tucked neatly back in their usual family life. They aren't here to empathize.
She typed in "grief management" on Google, but there was no comfort from the search results. She started to read;
"When you lose a loved one, you lose 20% of your support system. For an effective human support system you need 25% self support, 20% partner support, 55% support from
outside the home."
Here was where Michelle discovered that the bereavement over divorce is second only to that of the death of a spouse.
Michelle concluded, This is “My Life - Phase 2." Michelle had no plan, no vision of what single life would be. Sick as Paul was, she had refused to believe that he would die.
But now her memory recalls his voice cracking when Paul was rambling his best advice for her survival, "You're too caring and trusting. You need a husband to watch out for you. It won't be easy, but find another husband."
Michelle had intentionally developed social skills in her youth because she loved to meet people and found everyone's life to be so interesting . Her life as a poet and publisher had attracted a stream of interesting friendships over the years. But she lost touch with everyone during the last six years caring for Paul constantly.
Michelle recalled the TV commercial for "online dating." What better way can you meet interesting single people, Michelle thought, than to meet people through online dating? It's like getting back in tune with the world, after being safely tucked away in a marriage for 40 years.
It's a way to get to know people before you actually meet them on the phone or in person.
She returned to the computer and on Google she typed in "online dating." The search brought too many results to tackle. So she started with the first one. It offered a free questionnaire to help locate a possible match.
Michelle started answering the search questionnaire, thinking... He should be over 6 feet tall, with an athletic build, about 58 to 68 years old, should have a witty sense of humor, he should like pop music, the ocean and beach, South Florida... Heavens, I'm trying to create a clone of Paul, she realizes. Is this good or bad? Or do I just know what I want based on past experience? She clicked the button marked submit.
"Wow! Oh my gosh! So many men, so little time! Who knew? It's as if every available man over 58 is living in South Florida. How can I begin to meet these people? she asks herself.
She started reading profiles men wrote about themselves. Some men were swearing they learned all sorts of lessons from their past mistakes. They sounded as if they were saying, "I'll be good now, I promise." She immediately eliminated them, thinking they're still too immature to understand why their marriage failed.
Next she found many men have interests that don't match her own. I don't play golf or chess, or cards, or water polo. I don't watch sports. I'm not too keen on tennis, either. I don't really want to travel extensively. I don't read fiction novels.
Michelle realized it's time to sign up for this online dating service and write her own profile, which the service requires, so she can be permitted to communicate with the guys. It was the first time in many years that she thought about herself and what she wanted.
She noticed most men in her age range tend to want a woman 50 to 60 years old.
This was a surprise. She expected them to want younger women. The majority of men in her selected age range did not want more children, or the annoyance of periods and menopause. Phase 2 men were ready to start an unfettered relationship. One of fun and good times and financial security.
She hesitates as she writes, "I'm 58 years old, I’m 5'3, slender, dark brown hair, blue eyes. I love the sun in my face and wind in my hair, the outdoors, the ocean, the beach, the mountains. I owned a riverfront house on Long Island for 21 years.
I'm sincere and caring and romantic. I love to meet new friends and they tend to become lasting friends. I have many interests. I love fishing, bicycling, walking, flea markets, road trips, I'm a Sagittarian. I'm Jewish. I'm a published poet and publisher. I sell merchandise on eBay. I am hoping to find a guy 58 to 68 for a long-term relationship or marriage."
She's begun to discover who she is by describing herself. She gave herself a screen name, Sunshinegirl, took her own pictures with her digital camera in front of a mirror, and uploaded a self-portrait that looked most like her.
Michelle received her first response, an email “wink” from a guy named Alan. His picture was disappointing, sloping shoulders, hefty, bearded, wearing a striped Henley buttoned to the neck.
She pauses to read his profile. He's 65 years old, widowed like I am, sells things on eBay like I do. Wow, he's 6'5. How tall is that! He lives on Long Island, where Michelle lived most of her life, and hopes to relocate to Florida soon. He's an interesting guy.
She decided to send a quick email to this guy who had emailed her a wink so quickly she was startled by it.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007 9:11 PM
Hi, Alan
"Thanks for your wink. I read your profile. We seem to have a lot in common.
Are you really moving to Florida? What town? What do you sell on eBay?"
Sunshinegirl
Thursday, November 15, 2007 5:11 PMSubject: Hi, it's Alan
Hi Sunshinegirl,
I have friends that live in Boynton Beach & my aunt lives in Delray.
I’ll be at my sister in Boca December 12th. I’m looking to buy a place in south
Florida. Right now I live in Bellmore, NY.
In your profile you mentioned you were looking for someone clean
shaven. I have a beard. I hope that's OK.
I do clothing auctions on eBay. One question for now?. What is your name?
Talk soon
Alan
She emails back:
My name is Michelle."
You live right near my brother in New York.
I lived on Long Island most of my life.
But Florida is very similar. I think you'll like
living here.
Hi Michelle
How was your weekend?
My grandchildren visited me this weekend and
I took them to the Disney on Ice Show at the Nassau coliseum.
And of course I was busy with my clothing auctions on eBay.
Talk to you soon,
AlanHi Alan
Sounds like you’re enjoying life,
We can meet December 12th.
That would be perfect. Email me
and ask for my phone number when
you are about to arrive..
She thinks, who knows? It may just click. He was far from the athletic build she was hoping for. He had a beard where she'd specified clean shaven. But his friendly exuberance was appealing and he's coming to buy a place in South Florida in December.
Maybe it is that easy to find a new husband. Hmm, we're both Jewish and widowed and have married children and sell stuff on eBay. Oh this is amazing!
Meanwhile, she realizes that she may also never hear from Alan again. Michelle starts to review the stream of pictures and profiles she received from the online dating service. Out of several offerings, she thinks, "Ooh, this guy is cute." She started to read his profile, and it ended with... "and I workout every morning."
Oh, no. She asked herself, can I wake to such a high energy person that he does workouts before breakfast? That's just too unfortunate. He sure is handsome. She closed his listing. I guess this dating is going to get more complex than I thought.
Oops! Next day Michelle is receiving an email. Imagine that! a "wink" from who else but that handsome “high energy” guy. She winks back.
His profile's headliner reads:
"I'd like to know what love is. I think you can show me."
60-year-old Florida man,
Seeks women 50-65
"Shalom,
Thank you for returning the wink. I loved your profile. Would you please
tell me more about yourself?"
DanielM.
Michelle paid more careful attention to him this time. What caused him to wink and email me? His bald spot and graying hair are cute because at 60 years old he has a youthful clean shaven face, big blue eyes, and the half-smile of a mischievous schoolboy.
His red muscle shirt showed off the results of his workouts.
Michelle wondered for a minute how comforting those arms might feel around her. If not for the weight lifting before breakfast I could enjoy seeing a guy who looks like DanielM in bed next to me in the morning. Michelle knows that many a true words are said in jest. Could DanielM genuinely have a problem with affection? She read more of his profile. He said he is reading a poetry anthology. Does he know that Michelle has published poetry?
She sent an email
Hi DanielM
Is poetry something you really care about? I have a web site with some of my poetry. I’ve published many poetry anthologies and I sold some of my own poetry to Hallmark Books."
And she teased him, "I think I can show you what love is. I was happily married for 40 years. I hope to fall passionately in love again and stay that way.
My name is Michelle
That was the start of a sweet romantic interlude by a daily email to each other from Thanksgiving week to the end of December. It might have quickly become the ultimate love story but this was holiday season and these two people were both working double time and lived on opposite sides of Florida, several hours apart by car.
Daniel and Michelle were being respectful of each other's busy lives by emailing. And the emails gave an opportunity to add some serious poetry that couldn't be conveyed by phone.
Daniel's fascination for Michelle's poetry inspired him to write her eloquent emails, a sequel to love letters of a bygone era.
Michelle was responding to the mesmerizing spell he cast over her which reawakened a sensuality that had been dormant for too long.
November 19, 2007 DanielM emailed:
Hello, I do love to read poetry. I am interested in your web site and will visit it soon.
And, yes, it's nice to remember those old intense love feelings but things have changed since then and I believe people take a more practical approach to relationships based on experience and acquired knowledge.
FROST:
"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep"
I hope to hear from you again,
DanielM
The Monday before Thanksgiving day Michelle headed to Barnes And Noble to see if there were more extensive books of traditional poetry than those she already owned. Walking passed the self-help aisle, she spotted a book of dating advice. She was oblivious to such books while she was married.
She took the slim paperback book to a table in their Starbuck’s Cafe section, bought a tall coffee and sat down to read. What a surprise to read that most formerly married people will go through a period of intense grief and bereavement before they figure out how to put their universe back in order. She never thought of how disappointed a person feels to be divorced after years of working at their marriage. Perhaps she could uncover some
special help for DanielM in this book.
She read: "People need a human support network. Helping others can really help you get through a personal crisis. In helping them you will heal yourself.”
There is a famous quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson: “The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
Michelle didn't need to read that. She has a way of embracing every interesting person she meets into her friendship circle, quickly complimenting them for what is best about them.
Thinking of interesting people, she spots a handsome young man in this cafe, just across the way. He's apparently single. He's telling tales of his USA travels to a sparkling blonde older woman.
Michelle is absorbing this young man's handsome features, that black hair contrasting his fair complexion, that sly smile and deep green eyes, thinking how nice it would be to be twenty years younger. Michelle felt a need to cut into their conversation.
"I just overheard your description of Idaho. The way you feel about the beauty of the
American landscape you should never be tied to a nine to five job," she interrupted.
"By the way, I'm Michelle."
“I like your perception,” he answered. “I was just divorced after nine years of marriage because my wife wanted me to have a steady job. It‘s just not a lifestyle for me. I need to do odd jobs. I can do anything.”
"Then you should be a waiter. When I lived in Palm Bay there was a waiter who reminded me of you. He said he chose being a waiter because he could always get a job in season anywhere in America. So he could travel as he pleased. Sort of a professional drifter."
He is beguiled by the sweet innocence of Michelle's smile as it widens and radiates a warmth that rises from what he refers to as her inner peace.
He senses her sincerity, "I'm John. This old witch next to me is Kayla. Why don't you pull up a chair and have a look at my pictures?"
“Old witch? To me Kayla looks like an angel fallen to earth,” Michelle says with a sincere smile.
Kayla blushes and smiles. “That’s kind of you, but I can assure you I’m not an angel. John and I are taking a scenic tour online. Would you like to join us?”
She joins the ongoing conversation. He has his laptop connected and shows spectacular scenic pictures of New Mexico.
“Did you live there?” Michelle asked. “It’s breathtaking!”
“I was raised in New Mexico, my mom and grandmother still live there. You look so familiar. I‘m sure I know you from somewhere.”
“Well, I haven’t been out and around for a long time,” Michelle answers. “My husband was sick for most of the time I’m in South Florida. He passed away a month ago.” Her voice cracks, as she remembers.
John is now browsing through pictures of ladies online. “Have you signed up for online dating?”
Michelle gives an embarrassed smirk and nods,
“Yes, I got so lonely.”
“Is this you?” He shows her picture and profile.
“Oh, my gosh. How did you do that?” She asks, astonished at his ability.
“You look just like your picture. You’re wearing the same outfit as the picture. I remembered thinking you had one of the sweetest faces of anyone at that dating service, but your profile said you were looking to meet someone so much older than me that I didn‘t email you.”
“I can’t bring home someone your age. My daughter-in-law is older than you!” Michelle laughs
to think how awkward that would be.
“My mom has a boyfriend younger than me. Age is only a number,” John says sincerely.
Kayla cuts in, “We are all forever young at
this time in our life. You mustn’t think about years.”
Michelle stood up to leave, “It’s really been great meeting you both. I hope we‘ll see each other again,”
John asked, “Can I just have your email address so we can all meet here again once in a while?”
“Sure.” Michelle writes her email address on a napkin and hands it to John, smiles and waves good-bye as she leaves the cafe.
On her way out she returns the slim book to the shelf she took it from and recalls that she was here because of the emails from DanielM. She knew it would be fun to answer him with the best choice of poetry, but decides to bring her own poetry out the file cabinet instead buying a book.
She always thought someday, when she is retired and unencumbered she’ll return to writing and publishing poetry. Her late husband Paul had a talent for playing the organ and an inherent genius for electronics. Poetry had no place in his life. It was exciting to find a man interested in poetry.
When she returns home from Barnes And Noble she answers the email from DanielM:
November 19, 2007 4:09 PM
Thanks for writing back Daniel.
I suppose I'm an incurable romantic and optimist. I really believe I'll be "in love" again one
of these days. I was always "in love" with my husband.
I see a lot of love around me. Being in an over 55 community, I meet so many people that appear to be together forever. When they learn that my husband died, they all mention when their spouse died or divorced them and how few years they are together with their new, incredibly well-suited partners.
If you appreciate poetry, you may appreciate this excerpt. I wrote it 25
years ago, not knowing it was prophetic.Life-Phase 2
A zephyr dancing through the trees tonight
whispered that we'd meet, unchained;
further on along the path
Somewhere in the musky woods of autumn,
with our values thickly wrapped
in colored layers of experience...And you'll swing me once around again
and watch me waltz dizzily
over every winding path untried.
What miles of woodland lie in newness
waiting for my errant feet!O' swing me once around again...
and see the other side of me!
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
I enjoyed reading your poem. It reflects what I thought all along and that is, Michelle, that you are a very special person with very wonderful talents and I am very happy to have met you and hope that our relationship can grow and blossom into something beautiful and lasting.
I was born in Miami where I grew up. I graduated from the U. of M. in 1970 with bachelor in education. My parents still live there and I visit them several times a year. My son lives in L.A. and my two brothers live in Atlanta.
I certainly don't feel that choosing a romantic partner should be devoid of all emotion but it would be wise to use your head and benefit from past mistakes by not repeating them because you were so blinded by the light.
One thing is certain, all romantic adventures always carry a certain amount of risk which of course cannot be avoided.
WILLIAM BROWNE:
"Love, to whom your soft lip yields,
And perceives your breath in kissing,
All the odors of the fields
Never, never shall be missing."
DanielM
Hi Daniel,
You are so blessed to have your parents still alive. I lost my mother about 15 years ago, and my father in 1998.
All I have left are my brother and sister-in-law in NY and my son and daughter-in-law here in Palm Beach county. My daughter-in-law grew up in Miami. From the first time I saw Miami, 35 years ago, it was my dream to one day move to FL from Long Island and never leave.
I love it here. It's been 11 years of happiness.
I do use my head first. I just don't let on about it. I didn't have a past "mistake" to watch out for. Two people are either totally devoted to each other's welfare for life or they should not have married. I believe each partner should put the other first. It isn't 50/50. It's 100/100
Risk? If there is risk, there is not full commitment. When people are young they may morph into a different person when they mature. But once mature, what will one morph into?
Some day when I know you better, I'll tell you some more.
Enjoy your Thanksgiving Day.
Michelle
Hello Michelle,
I hope that you're well.
Were you born in New York? It seems half the people I meet originate from that area. The first time I saw Long Island, I fell in love with it. It was so beautiful with the rolling hills and small quaint towns.
My father and his family are all naturalized American citizens originally from Italy, Sicily and Cartagena. His parents are buried in Middletown, CT.
My mother was born in Brooklyn. Her parents are naturalized American citizens originally from Russia. They are buried in Miami.
I can remember my grandparents as being the most astounding people I have ever met. I love my parents very much and they remain the vital and precious link to my past.
Anyway I hope that you have a very nice
Thanksgiving with your son and daughter-in-law and friends.
CHARLES SWAIN:
"And thus she moves in tender light,
The purest ray, where all is bright,
Serene, and sweet;
And sheds a graceful influence round,
That hallows e'en the very ground
Beneath her feet!
DanielM
Hi Daniel
Yes, I was born in NY City, raised there until I was 8, when we moved to Long Island. But I spent a lot of time visiting there. I used to take my son to New York City on the railroad when he was small to see the city lit up at holiday time and the Central Park Zoo and museums. I didn't want him to miss out on what I grew up with. Later on, I had to be in New York City every week for 17 years to buy merchandise.
We lived in a beautiful place for twenty years, off the Great South Bay, surrounded by water. Around the bend from us were fabulous mansions of Pinkerton and others. We had planned to live there until we were 65, but I'm thankful we left when we did. My husband wasn't well. It was too difficult for me to maintain everything without his help.
We had an extremely successful flea market business on Long Island at Roosevelt Raceway, It was huge…2,000 vendors, 35,000 shoppers on a Sunday! The flea market property was sold to developers. The choice was to commute to NJ and Yonkers, find a new way to earn a living, or pack it in and retire to Florida. That’s when I got my chance to return to publishing poetry anthologies.
This is a very special New York Poem by a poet I published. I carried it in my wallet for 35 years.
"Clock Of The Animals"
Hurry Mother hurry,
The clock in the park
Is dancing the animals
To music box tunes
Better than the best cake
You ever baked,
Mother hurry,
Monkeys with mallets
Are striking the hour
On their big bell,
The bear and the hippo
Are dancing round and round,
Playing the tambourine and the horn.
The penguin and the goat and the elephant
with drum and pipes and squeeze-box,
Kangaroo with a baby in her pouch
Not so fast my darling
Never rush time away,
Turn each moment precious in your palm,
You will never be holding it again,
I remember the Town Clock
Of my Bavarian Village,
Painted people marched around it in double row,
And the bell was struck by an angel,
Or so it seemed to me.
Mama, waiting for the hour,
Looks up at my animal clock
As if it's telling her something sad,
Will I be looking up at another clock
With my little one,
My face pulled down sad
My face pulled down sad
Remembering mine.
OK. now I'm late for dinner. My son and daughter-in-law are
taking me out for Thanksgiving dinner.
Talk to you soon,
Michelle
Hello Michelle
You are probably the most fascinating person
I have ever met on line. It is your dear and sweet devotion to poetry that really moves me. I must admit that I have very little experience in the field as you do but my love and appreciation of all poetry goes well beyond all comprehension.
For me it is the soothing hand that comforts my troubled mind when all the world around me is filled with despair and profound ignorance.
I read the poem by Emilie Glenn. The words that really haunt me and I find
very touching probably sum up the most important lesson of life. She says:
"Never rush time away, Turn each moment precious in your palm, You will never be holding it again.
This of course was a very special Thanksgiving for me. I only wish that you could have been with us to make it even more special. I pray that my epigrams do not offend you.
WORDSWORTH:
" She was a phantom of delight
When first she gleamed upon my sight;
A lovely apparition, sent
To be a moment's ornament;
Her eyes as stars of twilight fair;
Like Twilight's, too, her dusky hair;
But all things else about her drawn
From May-time and the cheerful dawn;
A dancing shape, an image gay,
To haunt, to startle, and waylay.
Daniel M.
Glad you had a joy filled Thanksgiving Day, Daniel
Thinking about your heritage, I realized that on my mother's side, my grandfather came here from Russia. He lived with us every summer after my grandmother died. He was retired in Hollywood, FL. My grandmother's father was Italian Swiss, (Giovanni), from a town near Lugano. I loved them dearly. I lost them over 40 years ago and it seems like yesterday.
My father's father was of Russian heritage, and his mother of German heritage, but they were born in America.
I was thinking again about what you said. "Using your head and avoiding past mistakes."
I think of this part of my life as "Life, Phase 2." I get to "swing myself once around again," like the poem I wrote where I imagined some day I'd go into a Phase 2 and get a second chance at life the way I‘d like it to be.
From that same poem:
"A zephyr whispered that we'd meet again, unchained
With our values thickly wrapped
in colored layers of experience."
Phase 2 husbands don't need to worry about wives taking their life's savings, or child support for kids they'll seldom see. (It's all left in the past. We can't learn from it because it's not going to be repeated). It's like Star Trek, 2 different segments.
My life isn't steeped in poetry. It's been buried in more hard work than I ever bargained for. I'd like to go to the beach more, play volley ball, or something. I went swimming Thanksgiving Day and took this picture in a bathing suit. It's been a long time since I could take time out to go swimming.
I hope to retire in the near future and perhaps pursue writing again. I may just write to impart the best of my knowledge and experience on the next generation.
Usually, by the time I tell anyone anything it is starting to happen. I've never been an idle dreamer. I focus on something and pursue it.
I love how you can find lines to quote so spontaneously. More than that,
those lines:
"Never rush time away, Turn each moment precious in your palm, You will never be holding it again "
Those lines were why I carried that poem in my wallet for 35 years. A few months ago I thought it's going to crumble. Why don't I put it safely on my web site. Then I thought I should see if by now there is a picture of that famous "Clock Of The Animals" on the internet. Sure enough there was a professional picture and story to go with it. So it became a web page that’s a fitting tribute to such poetry.
I think I was always contented and happy because I rationalize quickly and candidly, and move on. I can see your closet holds some scary hurts that you want to keep close to avoid a repeat of. Forget it. Just dump it. Something new will happen, not that. You need all your wits to focus on what's new. Don't distract yourself from the road ahead by looking back. That's where you've been, not where you're going.
We should get to know each other better. I find you extremely appealing, not because you're exquisitely handsome, because you are so naturally articulate. I like people who can use our language to express themselves.
I can't quote lines from this next poem to you because it's several mesmerizing stanzas that should not be taken out of context. So, if you have any poetry by Pope you should look for it.
The first line is:
Heav'n from all creatures hides the book of Fate,
All but the page prescribed, their present state.Write whenever,
Michelle
Oy Vaysmere
Dear Michelle,
"I am captain of my soul and master of my fate." Who wrote those lines?
Hope you're well . It seems that the dust of the past holiday is about to settle .
And I hope that your weekend is going great. As for me it
is just beginning with another relaxing week off from work. You are right about
not working too hard all the time and being able to spend more free time.
I love going to the beach. I can go sailing, fishing or shelling year round.
I really do miss the big waves and my gleaming white surfboard in the salty
spray and the bright sun.
On Christmas day I shall be celebrating the birthday of the greatest Jewish
philosopher ever to be on earth. Actually, I will probably be home alone, in
my bed hiding under the blanket and waiting for the end of the world as we know it.
Maybe we should meet on neutral ground somewhere for the first time and take it
from there. Maybe Chanukah would be more meaningful. I guess because you
already mean so much to me, I would want it to be a very special moment for the
two of us. This would be like two constellations colliding in biblical proportion.
You mean so much to me.
DANIEL:
"This world of shattered dreams;
of bloodied rust,
whispers and screams;
and shadows and dust."
You mean that much to me, too, Daniel.
Your mind is as beautiful as your face. Tomorrow is my birthday. I wasn't going
to tell you because it's an extra year added to my age.
Wow! a week off? At this time of year? What do you work at? Usually every
field of endeavor is hectic right now.
I don't know how I'll get through this amount of work. I get overwhelmed looking
at it, and slows me down. Last year I bought Christmas music CD's to motivate me.
It helped.
I haven't had a vacation in several years. I went to my life-long friend, Helen, in CT
for the hurricane. I will plan a vacation after New Year's. I wanted to go to The
Breakers and spend a day watching the ocean and being treated as one of the rich
and famous.
What is your full name? You always say Daniel M.
Chanukah is not especially nostalgic for me. I was thinking we should meet Dec.8th.
I'm free of appointments for a long time thereafter. Have you ever been over to this area?
Have you met e-dates in person yet? This is so new to me. So is the ability to envision
a second man in my lifetime. I forget there was a "single" world going on out there for
40 years while I was safely married at 18 years old. How long are you divorced?
You live about two and half hours from here. Many e-daters meet at Barnes and
Noble on Congress Avenue and Boynton Beach Blvd. because they have big casual
Starbuck's coffee shop.
You've really got me wondering about this one, Daniel.
DANIEL M:
"This world of shattered dreams;
of bloodied rust,
whispers and screams;
and shadows and dust."
It's too ugly. I see it as murder and death, maybe the war.
What made you say that?Normal Shattered dreams aren't that vulgar. Everyone has some.
You asked me about "I am captain of my soul and master of my fate." Who wrote
those lines?
I don't know. I may have known. I haven't looked at poetry in a lot of years.
I wanted to, but I was so buried in work. The last poetry anthology I published
was in 2003.
Then my husband was too sick, and the medicine bills were extraordinary. I had to
be thankful I made a good living. You brought back the other side of
me. I vowed to myself I would get back to poetry just as soon as I could afford it.
My son hasn't got a shred of music or literature in him from genetics. He's totally
materialistic. I never met the relative he takes after. If he didn't have
my voice, I'd swear he was switched at birth.
A power mightier than man’s
A force beyond the strongest wind
engulfs the poet taking pen in hand.
Michelle
HAPPY
BIRTHDAY
Michelle !!!
You don't look a day older than 39 and you look simply fabulous in the bathing suit.
My full name is Daniel Manelli. I was born April 17, 1947. I work for the U.S.P.S.
and when I return to work they will consume me from head to toe until the entire
season is over which includes the catalog season of January and February so I am
sure that it will be awhile before I can get over there to see you.
It has been at least 40 years since I have been to Boynton Beach. I was eligible for
retirement this year but I love working and spending money. I prefer the best, be it
doctors, food or drink.
I have met several dates in person from on line. I have been divorced since 1981
but my live in girlfriend lasted with me much longer. Now I just can't seem to make
up my mind. The ugly poem reflects my fascination with military history. I have
viewed thousands of hours of film of cameramen from the battlefields.
Thank you for the wonderful letters and the beautiful compliments. Sometimes
they make me blush like a little boy. |
I really love the spell that you have put on me.
Anonymous:
"Why, lovely charmer, tell me why,
So very kind, and yet so shy?
Why does that cold, forbidding air
Give damps of sorrow and despair?
Or why that smile my soul subdue,
And kindle up my flames anew?
In vain you strive with all your art,
By turns to fire and freeze my heart;
When I behold a face so fair,
So sweet a look, so soft an air,
My ravished soul is charmed all o'er,
I cannot love thee less or more
Daniel
Thank you, Daniel,
I needed that. I'm glad I can make you blush. Your sensitivity is a joy to me.
Don't give up on us. It is much simpler for me to get to you. Our first meeting
simply has to be me going to you, and take it from there. I think we were meant to be.
I make my own hours. Starting in about 2 weeks, I'll have a plenty of free time for the
rest of the year and enough money.
You'll get lots of paid holidays, weekends, and regular days off. We could spend
enough satisfying time together most weeks of the year if we felt like it without
interfering with your job.
I'm 15 minutes from PBI. I'd just need to fly and take a limo to you.
My son said it's either a 2-1/2 hour drive or $40.00 for a shuttle flight from
Palm Beach.
The things we have in common are amazing!
I have a big surprise for you. My father worked for the U.S.P.S. in NY City for
30 years and lived to collect his pension for at least 20 years. He made it to
general foreman of the G.P.O.
I forgot to say I love gardening. This community doesn't allow crops. In NY I had
a soup garden, a salad garden, eggplants and melons. (I may get a mango tree) I
just had a non-productive avocado tree removed. We bought 3/4 acre in Palm Bay
so I could have a great garden again, but my son insisted we move here in case we
need him. So the property sits there for now.
As for retirement, if you teamed up with me, you wouldn't need to work if you
wanted to play for the rest of your life. I really have no goals requiring more money
than I have. It's just crazy to build a business like mine and quit. So I'm going to
cut it down. I will sell what the suppliers will ship for me.
The best of everything is what I've always been accustomed to, also. I've had regal
vacations, boats, a spectacular home, in a breathtaking place and Cadillac's. But the
best is not always the most expensive. Our favorite restaurants here are not the most
expensive.
If you haven't seen Boynton Beach in 40 years, or even 7 years, you haven't seen
Boynton Beach at all. It is quite a city now. Three years ago there were still cows
grazing on a field on Congress Ave.
11 years ago I'd have thought nothing much will ever happen here. Miles of nurseries
gave way to housing communities, Congress Ave is a shopping Mecca. Yet our house
is tucked away from it in a pretty community with lakes and winding canals.
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
You are gorgeous, but that bathing suit picture will always be my favorite.
That really was a surprise about your dad. I love playing in the mail and have
always turned down offers to be a foreman. It's way more fun my way.
Anyway, I grow the finest mangos and avocados in the world. In a week the
night-blooming jasmine will fill the air with it's special fragrance. I really love it here.
Can you tell?
Michelle, I live alone in a 3-bedroom-2-bath home that is 20 years old in a modest
neighborhood about 7miles west of the airport. You are invited to stay as my guest
for as long as you like. You would not be invading my space and I promise you will
be secure with your own room, bathroom and house key.
My home phone number is: 555-1222 in case you need to call me for any reason.
My intentions are honorable and I have come to trust you implicitly. Of course I
want to also extend my humble request to absorb any traveling expenses that you
may incur.
After all, you are the one going through all the trouble of packing and traveling.
Let me know so I can give you easy directions although I am listed in the phone
book. I would love to know your full name if nothing else at this point it is the only
mysterious thing about you I wish I knew. What can I say... you've made such
great impact in such a short time.
ROBERT BURNS:
" O MY Luve's like a red, red rose
That's newly sprung in June:
O my Luve's like the melodie
That's sweetly played in tune.
As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in luve am I:
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry:
Till a' the seas gang dry, my Dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun;
I will luve thee still, my dear,
While the sands of life shall run.
And fare thee weel, my only luve!
And fare thee weel awhile!
And I will come again, my Luve,
Tho' it were ten thousand mile."
Daniel Manelli
Wow! I'm sorry Daniel!
I thought I told you I‘m "Michelle Alexander" (put quotes around it on a Google search)
and my poetry books will come up in the search engine. That is my full name.
Sometimes I work until 3:00, and sleep until 11:00 and I shut that ringer so no one
wakes me. I check the email about every 3 or 4 hours in case some customer needs help.
You can always reach me on my cell phone. My phone number is 444-7999. I have a
modest two bedroom one bath house with a family room that has a convertible sleeper-sofa.
I was planning to add a second bathroom. My husband's emphysema got so bad that I had
to abandon all plans that could effect his breathing or disturb it him. So I've sort of been in
prison in my home the last few years. I forgot how to cook because he couldn‘t tolerate
the smell of cooking. I used to like cooking.
I would have no misgivings about moving to Fort Myers. I just love Florida. I'm so
thankful to live here.
I'll call you when I get my dates finalized. I'll email you before that.
Michelle
Dear Michelle
O.K.
You are wise beyond your years. My biggest thrill right now is just the thought of
meeting you. If and whenever we choose to intensify our relationship, it will happen
after time and serious dialogue. If you change your mind about me in the future, do
not despair, for I will understand. Right now I cannot think of spending my last 40
years on this earthly plain with anyone but you. At moments when I read your words,
I can feel a tear welling up in my eye as you tenderly stroke the strings of my heart.
I really can't remember experiencing such inner beauty in a woman as I have with you.
W. WORDSWORTH:
" I saw her upon nearer view,
A spirit, yet a woman too!
Her household motions light and free,
And steps of virgin-liberty;
A countenance in which did meet
Sweet records, promises as sweet;
A creature not to bright or good
For human nature's daily food,
For transient sorrows, simple wiles,
Praise, blame, love, kisses, tears, and smiles
Daniel
Hello, Daniel
I sure hope I get at least the same 40 romantic years with you in Life Phase 2
as I had in my past. If I didn't believe it could happen with you, I wouldn't
have wasted a minute on you. I hope you will always know you were awarded
the best woman a man could have.
Thomas Gray (another one I carried for years)
Ode On A Distant Prospect of Eaton College
The gist of it is:
Alas! Regardless of their doom,
The little victims play!
No sense have they of ills to come,
Nor care beyond today:
To each his sufferings: all are men,
Condemned alike to groan:
The tender for another's pain,
Th' unfeeling for his own.
Yet, ah! Why should they know their fate,
Since sorrow never comes too late,
And happiness too swiftly flies.
Thought would destroy their paradise.
No more -- where ignorance is bliss,
'tis folly to be wise.
An insight into my values thickly wrapped in colored layers of experience.
What fool let go of you, Daniel?
This haunts me. It's hard for me to believe they won't change their mind and
be coming back looking for you. That's probably my only other fear.
Do you listen to Country music? So much of it is pure poetry. I listen to 99.9 in the
SUV or sometimes in the house.
There's a song that's running number one for a month "Don't Blink," by Kenny
Chesney. Life goes by faster than you think. It says it all. It's on right now so
I thought of it.
Could there ever come a time when I'd grow tired of you? I could just spend
eternity shelling with you, and hiking through the mountains for diversion.
I get so much pleasure from simple things,
Michelle
November 28, 2007 4:12 PMSubject: (no subject)
Dear Michelle,
Late last night I got a call from Atlanta and my older brother is in the hospital from
a stroke or something. He always had a bad heart and he means the the world to me.
I have to leave for several weeks and help him and the kids out until he is back on his
feet. My bags are are packed and I am leaving this evening. I'll miss you while I'm gone
and I will call you as soon as I get back. I will do my best not to keep you waiting too long.
All my love,
Daniel
Michelle believed that whatever Daniel said to her was true. There was some major
event in Daniel's life preventing him from returning to her. But she was wise enough
to know that this could mean good-bye forever, and not to waste her days in loneliness
waiting for someone who may have only been a thrilling fantasy. She had never met
him, never even spoke with him by phone.
It was hard to believe he was never coming back. A couple of times she found
books she knew he’d like, and she mailed them as a way to say, “Hello. I
still think of our friendship.”
December 12th 2007.
The phone rang and woke Michelle out of a sound sleep. A spirited, strong handsome
voice said: "It's December 12th, do you remember what day this is?"
"Yes!" She smiled., "You're Alan!"
"I'm 132 miles up the road from you right now. I just got off the Auto Train."
Michelle is thinking if she never hears from Daniel again, now at least there's a possible
connection with Alan, from NY, the first person she met online. She didn‘t believe she‘d
really hear from Alan again. "Call me when you get settled and we'll get together.
I really look forward to meeting you." His voice appeared to belong to someone a lot
handsomer and more exuberant than that unfashionable, stoop-shouldered, online picture.
The very next evening they met for dinner. Michelle was pleasantly shocked. “you are so much handsomer than your picture. You need to do something about that picture.”
They talked and laughed about their favorite movies and trips and good times for 3 hours until
the restaurant was closing. "How about going to your house?" Alan suggested. "You can show me what you sell on eBay."
"OK." Alan followed Michelle to her house. Their conversation continued by cell phone.
"So I'll be traveling to New York and back to stay close to my family, and whenever
I'm in Florida we can be together."
Michelle cringed. A whole night devoted to nothing, she thought. He wants to be a
snowbird? I want a companion, a relationship, someone to hold my hand in a hurricane.
"I need to be honest with you, Alan. I don't really want to visit New York. I'm a Florida
girl for the past 11 years. I love to be here all year round. I'll treasure this fun evening
we had forever. But this long-distance friendship isn't going to work."
Sun, 16 Dec 2007
Hello,
I have just switched my email address to dmanelli@jupiter.com. Please use this new
address for all future emails and instant messages.
Thanks, Daniel M.
In less than a month Michelle and Daniel had formed a mature and caring bond of friendship,
both sensing that a deeper relationship was possible. They loved to communicate, and that
in itself creates a foundation for lasting love. If one believes in astrology, Michelle the
Sagittarius and Daniel the Aries were two "fire signs," which indicated a match made in
heaven.
After she received a notice about his new email address, she knew he was out there
somewhere and thinking of her. She sent him a final email:
Daniel
"Whenever you are able to return to me, no matter how long it takes, you will always
be my friend. Just send me an email with ‘Daniel Says Hello’ in the subject line. I'll be
watching for you. " She added this poem she wrote for
him:
To Daniel M.
Upon the endless journey road, who knew we'd meet
another soul beyond expectancy?
Perhaps an angel made that link to
finalize our destiny.
All the while my fingers do not trace
the lines that form your manly face
and ears not let to shiver to your whisper,
I sense your presence in the air.
The words your eloquence chose for me
proved how deeply you did care.
And for this time that we must be apart
I have your words, a warming glow
like sunshine in my heart.
Michelle
Meanwhile, days without a companion are long and dreary after 40 years of marriage.
Michelle reaches out in her sleep and wakes abruptly discovering her bed is empty.
She wakes in the morning and sees each day as a long journey to nowhere. She turns
on the computer, and there are no more emails from Daniel. His profile expired on the
online dating service.
Michelle had left her email address with John, the handsome young man at Barnes
and Noble who she encouraged to be a professional drifter. This day a new email
arrived.
December 20, 2007
Hello, Michelle,I met you at Barnes and Noble and it was so nice talking to you that I had to ask you
for your e-mail and I'm writing you to see if you thought about me too. Well how is
your day going? Did you get all the things you put off the other day done now LOL...
Well I'm at Barnes & Noble right now writing to you. Please write me back and we’ll
go from there ok. have a fun day.
John
Dear John
What a surprise to hear from you! I really enjoyed looking at your pictures. I'm sorry
about your situation, and that you are the same age as my daughter-in-law, but I enjoyed
your company. Everyone can use a friend. I'll be seeing you at Barnes and Noble. There
are some some books I want to look for.
Michelle
Now there was at least the hope of having stimulating adult companionship by meeting
John at Barnes and Noble. By now, John had made friends with little Josh and big Josh.
Michelle is telling her story to the three guys.
Big Josh is 44. He’s nicely built, warm and witty and so quick with smiles. He exudes
kindness and empathy. All he hopes for is to connect with that special woman, marry
and have children. He adores kids. But it’s not happening for him.
Little Josh is short and round as a pumpkin and at 37 has the affection and sweet
innocence of a little boy. He doesn't know why girls online don't answer his emails.Michelle showed him, “Read what they are interested in. Then ask them questions about it.
”
That will get them to answer you, and they’ll make dates with you to keep talking about their interests.
Michelle was contemplating how each of us is carrying a story and can use each other's support. Now, an elderly unkempt-looking artist named Davie is at a table in the corner getting what he needs by randomly charcoal sketching customers' faces. He is sketching a quick caricature of Michelle. He makes a gesture to her raising the finished picture.
"Can I keep it?" She asks.
"Sure. I just do this for amusement. I'm retired," he answers.
"I will treasure this forever," she says with a glowing smile.A handsome muscular man with thick wavy brown hair, wearing a bright green muscle shirt, cut-off jeans, and sandals overheard the earlier conversation and that Michelle was married for 40 years. He couldn't resist commenting, "You can be thankful you had a husband for most of your life. I can't have a husband. The law says I can't. I'm gay. I can't have any of the privileges you had. I can't sit at a hospital bedside and hold my lover's hand."
That comment hit Michelle right in the heart, "I never thought about the plight of gay people. I'm sorry about that. I've really lived a sheltered life for 40 years. It's interesting to meet you. What's your name?"
"I'm Zach." He gave Michelle a sunny smile. "It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm reading The Secret. Did you read that yet?"
"No, what's it about?" Michelle asked.
"I'll go over and get you a copy so we can get on the same page."
The new guy friends, though they were a few years too young for her preference, caused Michelle to feel more confident about meeting men face to face. She senses there will be a long search ahead to find a new husband.
**********
Christmas day in South Florida was cool and clear. Blue-sky white-cloud sunny. Michelle was taking her daily walk through the neighborhood when she spotted a stunning blue-eyed blond guy absorbing the day from his front porch. "Another day in paradise isn't it?" She said with that beguiling smile of hers.
"Are you alone on Christmas Day?" Jason called to her.
"Yes, I guess so. Are you?"
"Yes. No one should be alone on Christmas Day. Would you like to go to a movie or something?"
“Sure, why not?” Michelle agreed. She was very attracted to Jason's preppy style.
“Come on in for a minute. Let’s check the movie timetable.”
They went to see Will Smith's I Am Legend. They laughed at themselves for hanging in until the end of a movie that was so disappointing, as if it would turn around and be good. They talked and laughed all the way home.
But Michelle was turned off by Jason when she learned he was renting a room in this house from his friend and he was just getting over his second divorce.
Later that night she looked into her online dating opportunities on her computer.
Here's one, she thought. a trial lawyer who's written a book.
Oops. He’s 57 but wants to meet women 35 to 48. She thinks about it.
He looks very young for his age.
But Michelle thinks of her 48 year old daughter-in-law and decides to email Leonard, the lawyer.
"Hi, Leonard
I noticed you're writing a book. I'm a publisher. I might be able to help you. Is it possible that because you look so youthful for your age it's causing you to look for young women who are not intellectually mature enough for you ?
Michelle"
Leonard answered so quickly Michelle was astonished.
"Hi, Michelle,
I should have given it more thought. I have so many friends and clients.
I never thought about ages.
There's a possibility you're right. I'd like to meet you and show you what
I've written. You can call me or I'll call you
Leonard"
She emailed her phone number to Leonard. They chatted a while and agreed to meet the next day appropriately in a Boca Raton Barnes and Noble.
Michelle quickly saved the last empty table in their cafe by setting her laptop on it. She looked toward the door and there was Leonard walking toward the cafe. She waved to get his attention.
They greeted with beaming smiles and a friendly hug. It didn't take Michelle more than five minutes to discover what could be changed in Leonard's book to turn the heads of anyone who looks at his manuscript. But, typical of lawyers, he wasn't too flexible.
Michelle saw Leonard as too boyish, and Leonard saw Michelle as too mature, differences that would prevent them from considering each other romantically, but they enjoyed a friendly conversation and some healthy laughter. Leonard had a special kind, caring nature that emanated in everything he talked about.
Both of them would become caring friends for a long time to come.
After Leonard showed Michelle's correction to his most trusted friends, he emailed her several thank you notes and promised to include her in the book's acknowledgment page when it gets published one fine day.
Michelle again sensed her longing for a connection with a man. Her forty two years of marriage ending in widowhood left her heart searching for a missing piece of itself.
She developed an extraordinary skill at pushing the right buttons by email to have man after man asking her for a date. She believed if she met enough men she'd ultimately find the right one.
Her trick was to read their profiles carefully, select and respond to their primary interests with questions they'd want to answer, and stick to their topics.
There were fun late-night chats like this one at 2:30 AM from a guy who said he was a Jewish Wally Cleaver. (Other daters online can see that someone else is online strike up a conversation).
Andrew402: What are you doing up at this hour?
Sunshinegirl: Was watching Golden Girls. Needed a laugh
Andrew402: Then you saw me and really had a laugh, right ?
Sunshinegirl: You sound like you're a lot of fun Andrew.
Andrew402: ty u2. i'm really not illiterate, I just can't type.
Sunshinegirl: So what are you doing with your life these days?
Andrew402: I have 2 daughters 33 &35 both in Texas both school teachers, 1 just got married met her husband on J date.
Sunshinegirl: That's fabulous! My son is 40 his wife is 47.. That's why I can't bring home a young guy.
Andrew402: I don't understand what does that have to do with anything??
Sunshinegirl: It doesn't. Except I can’t bring home a guy my daughter-in-law’s age. It would be embarrassing.
Andrew402: yup
Sunshinegirl: At our Barnes and Noble group we're all different ages and stages and hoping to find that one special person for a long lasting relationship. Every time one of us has a date we're rooting for it to happen, and something goes wrong.
Andrew402: that's a lot of pressure to put on a date,
Sunshinegirl: We just hope to hear something clicked and there'll be another date. Somehow nobody clicked in all these months.
Andrew402: I'm reading your profile. I see you are a poet, my ex-wife worked with Sylvia Plath's mother.
Sunshinegirl: Was Sylvia Plath's mother a poet?
Andrew402: no a secretary at Boston Univ.
Sunshinegirl: OK
Andrew402: I paac my caa in Haavud Yaad
Sunshinegirl: Was your wife from Boston?
Andrew402: yup. knew the Dukarkis dukarkises
Sunshinegirl: I have a good friend (lady friend) at Barnes and Noble from Boston.
Andrew402: where are you from?
Sunshinegirl: Long Island
Andrew402: how long in Florida??
Sunshinegirl: Since 1996. We originally came to Palm Bay. My son built a
business in S. FL and coerced us to move here.
Andrew402: he did you a favor
Andrew402: where is Palm Bay??
Sunshinegirl: 45 miles southeast of Orlando.
Where are you from
Andrew402: Boston, then Texas. Came to FL in 99.
Andrew402: So are you published?
Sunshinegirl: Yes. I've sold poetry to Hallmark. You can see some at someofmypoetry.com
Andrew402: wait I'm writing it down
Andrew402: My mother was youngest of 10 so I have many cousins, one
of which was a big exec at Hallmark, Walt Ulin, ring a bell???
Sunshinegirl: No.
Sunshinegirl: It's great to have a big family. I just love to meet people. They usually love me. I have no family left.
Andrew402: Well my mother was the last of the family all my aunts and uncles are
gone, I'm visiting one of the 2 remaining aunts by marriage on the 31st
Andrew402: and it was great having a big family, I had a great childhood, I was a Jewish Wally Cleaver
Sunshinegirl: That's so sad to hear they're gone. I thought I lost my family because there were so few of us.
Sunshinegirl: My mother in law told us to have 8 more children. Maybe she was right.
Andrew402: it's life I remember as a kid they were allover the house they bought a big family plot for burial they all laughed and fought over who would be buried next to whom
Sunshinegirl: Yeah, we have one of those, too. I remember my husband's aunt and uncle getting angry and giving us their plots and buying their own. Where is everyone now? It didn't pay to get angry.
Andrew402: they weren't angry they were yelling in fun, laughing, well it's all full now
Andrew402: little late now. 2:30 AM
Andrew402: hello??
Sunshinegirl: Gee. It sure is late. We can talk again tomorrow or something.
Andrew402: OK wait one minute let me tell you something OK???
Sunshinegirl: You can call me if you want to at 444-7999
Andrew402: is now OK??
Sunshinegirl: Of course. What else would I be doing tonight?
Andrew402: ok I'm calling your land line Over and out.
Sunshinegirl: Over and out.
They talked and laughed until 4:00 AM. Andrew hoped to sell his condo in Florida
and move to Texas to be near his daughters. Michelle did not want to leave
Florida, not even to visit anyone in Texas.
Next morning:
A guy named Bruce emailed a wink. She read his profile and emailed him how she
lived across the river from where he said in his summer vacations.
His profile said, "I spent 28 summers on Fire Island, and I'm not gay."
That meant he went to the beach at Kismet, 15 minutes across the water from
Michelle's waterfront home of 21 years.
He also said he was trying to quit smoking. The deadly addiction that killed Paul,
Michelle's husband.
(Michelle answered Bruce)
Date received: December 17, 2007
Thanks for the wink. I needed that. Kidding aside, I would have winked at YOU earlier.
It is not an easy task to find a sincere match, someone with a lot in common like you
and I have. And we live a reasonable distance from each other. Besides that, I think
you're gorgeous.
But... you will notice, at our age, most everyone has quit smoking, including me.
I've been there. It's been 7 years since I quit. It was my most difficult challenge
and proudest accomplishment. You can do it.
If you saw a picture of my late husband on a respirator from his years of being a Marlboro
Man, you'd stomp on those cigarettes and never touch them again, just out of empathy.
I just lived through a horror story caring for him, as he died slowly every day
for the last 6 years from COPD, (emphysema and congestive heart failure.) The medicine
bills were beyond your imagination.
If you stop now, you may become genuinely healthy. My husband waited until the cigarettes stopped him, and when that happens, it's too late to get better.
You need to visualize yourself as a non-smoker with all your might, and rid your environment of the memory of the smell and anyone left smoking as well.
My brother and sister in law have not been allowed to visit me for the last 7 years because I can't stand the smell of them. Once you quit, the smell is sickening, and smokers can't camouflage it to non-smokers.
Think, I'll be here waiting to meet you on that day, and we'll take it from there!
I really mean that. I would love to meet you, but not if I smell a cigarette.
Think how many other great ladies you may also miss meeting if you don't take me
seriously.
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
You're a really good person to do this, and it may be just what I need. The
thought of suffering for six years......I've quit for as long as six months a few years ago. Doused them last night,
but I have to get through the holidays, and I know I may cheat. Most of the
friends I've made here hang in a local pub where shooting pool and smoking
go hand in hand. I love the outdoors, so I can substitute. Oh yeh, I'm an
early bird.
Bruce
Date received: December 17, 2007
Subject: RE: I'll help you if you let me tell you how I did it
If you spent 28 years on Fire Island, most of them were on my turf. I had a
waterfront home for 21 years in Bay Shore, 15 minutes across the bay from
Kismet. Many Fire Islanders passed my house on the water to get gas or go to
the fish market and the Seascape Inn. My son grew up on Fire Island (not gay).
His wife's father was a partner with the owner of Flynn's.
I smoked for 35 years a pack a day. Never a day without them. I tried many
times to quit. I would get it down to maybe 8 cigarettes for a while.
When my husband couldn't stand the smell, I had to quit fast.
So, here’s what I did. I identified that I had to have one after the morning coffee and one after dinner, I was willing to fill in the urges with popcorn, pretzels, gummy bears, even Jolly Rancher. And keep busy. I built my enormous web site. You need to keep busy.
The first day I had my two cigarettes.
The second day, I believed nothing
will happen to me if I skip the morning cigarette. After all, I will have one after supper.
But after supper I realized if I don't light this, it will be my first ever 24
hours without a cigarette. I did it, and there was no going back to smoking. I'd made it
or 24 hours. I knew I could make it forever.
Start that book you wanted to write. Head a pile of pages with possible topics, and fill in
the blanks bit by bit day by day. No one needs to see it but you. You can tear up anything
you don't like. You make new topics. Get going. You'll have a "story" to tell me when you
finally conquer the enemy.
Michelle
Hey Michelle,
Thanks. Great advice, and I truly appreciate where you're coming from. I've seen all that,
too, and have been trying to quit, desperately, for the last few months. and not desperately
enough for the last 30 years, as I saw smokes kill my brother. Changing my little world,
friends and hangouts...the hard part.
But you are certainly a great incentive.Wow! Michelle, You must be a good typist. You may have noticed my e-mails are brief.
I'm not, that's why. Plus I get antsy.
So I probably know your son. Were you a Fire Island frequenter. It's a small
world. I'm sure we have lot's to talk about. Does he know John Cone head,
Mugsy, etc. Of course he does.
More later. You inspire me.
Bruce
They exchanged emails where Bruce promised he'd never light another cigarette because
of her. His brother died of the same C.O.P.D. as Michelle's husband. Bruce said, "I can't
get over you. No one on earth would have cared enough to encourage me."
Subject: RE: Amazing!
Date received: December 19, 2007
You are inspiring me. I know we could have a good time together. Almost
perfect, exc. smoking and night owl. You look strong. I did OK last night.
Palm City is a really nice town, with one bar. It's a sports bar, lots of fun, really good
pool shooters. I've made some friends there, played on a league, even hang some of my
art there.
But it's a smoking bar. I have to pass it to get home, so giving it up will be tough. At least
for a few months. Day 2.... Looking forward to meeting you Michelle. I should be able
to handle the excitement, without a cigarette in the near future.
Bruce
Hi, Bruce,
"We must know a lot of the same people. You must know my son and his friends.
If you lean on my picture and quit smoking, I will go out with you."
Subject: RE: Just stay positive
December 19, 2007
Good morning, Michelle,
You've come into my life for a reason, Michelle, Inspired me, or embarrassed
or scared me. The thought of being an invalid.....anyway, ...I'm on day two
....and an amazing thing happens to me when I don't smoke....it's as if I
never smoked, and feel so good.
I went to art school for awhile. I wanted a bit of classical design background for
the woodworking I was doing. I was a narc in those days, busting pushers by day,
Design school at night. It paid off later, when I was known to be interested in art,
and hired by the Met.
I'm looking forward to a phone conversation with you, or maybe just meet. Let me
know when you think I'm ready to handle the occasion, without needing a smoke.
In the meantime, I'm enjoying the (smoke free) anticipation.
Next, an hour-long phone conversation that went
Awe shucks Michelle.....told ya I'd quit for 6 months. Flew to Mauii!
Haven't had a smoke since last night.Pretty soon, when all possible traces of smoke is dissipated, and I smell as sweet as
a rose, I will have you in my arms, ha ha.Tonite is tough .....Christmas party at my local pub. Joint is filled with smoke.
But I'm a non-smoker, and I'm proud.Well I guess you know the Ferrar's. Angie, Joe, lived on the little island. And the
notorious Adam, eccentric billionaire, on the water by the ferry in Bay Shore, bless
his soul.
This call led to an early morning phone call from Bruce inviting her to go fishing.
"I don't believe my ears. You're the first girl who ever agreed to go fishing with me.
I planned to say all sorts of things to convince you to give it a try."
On the boat, she asked Bruce to take her picture and she used the picture taken on the
charter fishing boat as her primary picture in the future. She caught the first fish that
day...it gave her 3 Mahi Mahi dinners.December 21, 2007 9:55 AM
Hey Michelle,
I hope you had fun yesterday. Let's do it again sometime. I think you're a good s
port. Enjoy your fish. I bet your son doesn't know what a good sailor you are.Even though the spark may not be there between us, you're a great gal.
Bruce
That was great fun, Bruce.
I told so many people how fantastic it was to go fishing again after so many years off the
water. My son knows Conehead, too! They couldn't get over the small world. Joe Farrar
is his lifelong best friend and visits frequently here in FL. Yes, I enjoyed the fish. My
daughter-in law told me my son's special recipe.
Then I asked her if she knew where he got that recipe. (He got it from me).
Best to just go have fun. Don't try to force something to happen that only G-d knows
how it happens.
Chemistry just happens to people out of nowhere, when you'd least expect it. This is
real life, not Movie fiction. Sure, you think you'll just meet the "right" person and feel
that spark. We aren't that young and unscathed anymore.
At our stage in life, we come together with some deep scars that will continue to fade.
We can't change anything past. But I believe we need to distance ourselves before we
feel that magic again.
Let's plan to meet again. I'll email you on the 27th. Meanwhile don't light up!!
I have to attend to too many things right now. Household chores have been piling up.
With this great weather I want to attend to painting my porches among things. I hate
to have unfinished chores hanging over my head.
Michelle
The picture Bruce used in his profile was taken when he looked like a movie star.
But in person, the years had taken their toll. He had an old man's paunch and dressed
in poor taste. They emailed each other afterward because they discovered they had mutual friends from Fire Island, but Michelle didn't want to waste time on another date with Bruce.
The next date was with a Palm Beach billionaire, Dodson, who was considering
collaborating with her on a book about their online dating experiences.
He looked nothing like his picture of a fit attractive man on a sailboat, and he wasn't
even into boating. His profile mentioned government and politics. Michelle told him
how, back in NY, she was a literary advisor to her county legislature's cultural affairs
committee. So they got into discussing government and politics.
Michelle kept the conversation going, and laughing. While the date went well, they
really had not enough in common to desire another date with each other. In her peripheral
vision she saw a speechless couple at a nearby table observing her. It was likely someone's
failing date.
When she and Dodson got up to leave, the guy at the other table couldn't contain his
composure. He got up and interrupted, "I couldn't help overhearing you once lived at
Sheepshead Bay in Brooklyn. What high school did you go to? You look so familiar.
What year were you there?"
Michelle cringed with embarrassment, not knowing what to make of this awkward
situation. This poor guy must have been wishing his date was with Michelle.
"Gee, I haven't thought seriously about Brooklyn for a lifetime," she said trying to escape.
"I really spent most of my high school years on Long Island. But it was a pleasure to meet
you two. Enjoy your night." She was referring to his failing date.
Another date was with Carl, a tall handsome, prematurely white-haired, gentleman
whose similarity was simply that she vacationed at Indian Lake in the Adirondack
Mountains where he lived most of his life. He told her ahead of time that his spine
was severely injured in a car accident.
He called every day just to keep in touch and chat about life for a few minutes. He
emailed pictures of his kids and new granddaughter.
They met for the first time at Deerfield Beach and spent an unforgettable blue sky, green
ocean, Sunday afternoon together. They had lunch in a nice cafe with live Reggae singers.
Despite his crippling injury, Carl was able to drive and take care of himself. But he hauled
his legs along using a walker.
Michelle was reluctant to spend her life with someone so limited after so many years
caring for her husband Paul. She felt too much compassion for Carl, and would probably
prevent him from being fully independent. She knew such a relationship would not be good
for either of them.
Then Michelle arranged a strange date with a man named Roger who said he was in security.
They talked and laughed for a while across a restaurant table. It felt like a job interview.
"Enough about me," Michelle said, after trying hard to keep a conversation going.
"What about you? What are some of your plans? What do you like to do in your spare time?"
Roger had said originally that he was in security and he didn't believe in publishing his
picture on the internet. Well, it appeared that his life was top secret due to security. It
was impossible to get to know Roger. Everything about him couldn’t
be discussed due to "security." It was the shortest, most unpleasant date of Michelle's
escapades.
Then their was a night with Dylon, the Swiss artist. They began talking at 1:00 AM on
instant messaging. In school Michelle was an art major and had a background in graphic
art illustrating poetry anthologies. That was her common ground for chatting with Dylon.
He was instant messaging Michelle, begging her, "Come over now. I am right near you in
Boynton Waters. You will like me. You will love my paintings. I love your face and your
picture. I want you to pose for me. I want to show you the world. I am wealthy and we can
travel the world together. You'll never regret meeting me, I promise you this."
Michelle told Dylon, "You are stunning based on your picture. But your lifestyle is way too
mature and sophisticated for me. I really don't care about traveling all over the world, and
I'm not into posing for an artist."
Another date was Howard who loved to dance. He was too overweight for her taste, but he
sparkled with enthusiasm. He had a quick warm sunny smile and was fun to spend an evening
with at Barnes And Noble...with Zach, (her gay friend), who butted into their conversation
and tried to create a wedge.
Michelle was believing the chemistry she was hoping to feel may take more than one date
with a guy. She was contemplating seeing Howard again at the Plentyoffish singles dance
at the Marriott. There was no time to go to the dance-date she and Howard planned because,
as fate took over, Michelle was about to meet Michael.
Eligible men never stopped wanting to meet Michelle. She pushed all the right buttons. They
were handsome and wealthy, well-mannered and well-educated. But when Michelle met them,
an ingredient was missing. Her late husband Paul just had to look at her and she would melt
with desire for him.
Paul had a passion for many pursuits. That enthusiasm revealed itself in his piercing look.
That glow of passion was missing in the eyes of all of these men.
Then... April 29th 2008, Michelle and Michael do not know they are about to meet.
They will mysteriously collide alongside
the doorway of Starbuck's. One second different in time would have prevented them from
ever meeting in this lifetime.
They were both told by friends to check out PlentyofFish.com a free online dating web site
that has started to sponsor free singles events. Of all places they could be held, the events are scheduled to take place in South Florida.
Michelle was convinced by her neighbor’s 47-year-old daughter, Jen, “Meeting guys online
is like going on a blind date. Guys don’t look like their picture. They lie about their age.
I like to meet them in person at singles events.”
"I haven't connected with anyone so far. You may be right," Michelle said. Together they
signed up online for the Starbuck’s event and uploaded their pictures so they stood a chance
of being recognized before
hand.
When Michelle signed up online for the Mizner Park Starbuck’s event she was amazed to
see a page of pictures of others who will be attending the event. Now her own picture was automatically added to the gallery. Click a picture and that person’s profile page pops up.
Meanwhile, in a neighboring town, Michael is in his computer room, convinced by a chat
friend, Annette, who he met online a while back, to look into PlentyofFish.com. “Go there
and see my profile,” she said.
He fills out their questionnaire to receive a free membership making him eligible to use
the web site. He notices an announcement of the Starbuck’s singles event which is not far
from his home. It could be held anywhere, but it is planned to take place in his hometown
in South Florida.
He looks over the pictures of who signed up so far for the event. Of all pictures, he clicks
on Michelle, on a charter boat, her hair blowing, fishing poles in the background. He reads
her profile.
The event is on a Tuesday night. Michael usually has a class on Tuesday nights and was
not likely to go to this event. He did not sign up to say he’d be there.
But this Tuesday night, April 29, Michael gets a call that his class has been cancelled,
the only Tuesday night it was ever cancelled. He decided he'll go to the Starbuck’s event
and check out the possibilities.
The first question he looks at when he reads a profile is “What do you prefer for a
first date?” Michael believes that answer reveals an insight into the person and whether
or not to try to date them. He's hoping to find a
companion who'll walk on the beach with him.
Michelle’s answer for a first date came from a wealth of online dating experience. “A first
date should not be a job interview, sitting at a table answering questions. It should be fun
like a walk on the beach, a park, ice cream, or a movie, so you can get to know each other.
She gave Michael the answer he was hoping to hear. He wanted to know more about her. Unfortunately Michelle said she wants to meet guys 58 to 68. Michael thought he won't
stand a chance with Michelle because he’s only 50 years old. But he read more.
She said she’s 58. That’s the age of the girlfriend he broke up with. Michael thought her age contributed to their break-up. She was just "too old" for him.
He doesn't realize he has planted Michelle subliminally in his brain. He refused to admit to
himself that he really cared to meet "that girl."
It looked as if over a hundred people were congregating outside Starbuck’s. that Tuesday
night Everyone had attached their PlentyofFish self-stick name tag.
Michelle and Jen arrived together but in separate cars, so if need be, they could leave
separately. They had to cruise for awhile looking for parking. They parked far away in the
municipal parking garage. Their high heels weren’t exactly walking shoes. They arrived
almost half an hour late with their feet aching after the long walk.
They applied their handwritten name stickers and then Jen told Michelle, "Now we need to
stay away from each other. Guys won't approach you unless you're alone."
In this thick crowd, Michael was meandering through looking for that special girl who was
going to become his beach companion. He had come so close to finding such a girl not long
ago, but she was only visiting Florida and had to return to her hometown far away.
He began a conversation with a gal who said, "I think you're wasting your time talking to me.
I'm 60 years old."
Then he struck a brief conversation with a cute gal who said she was an artist. She absolutely
didn't like the beach. Not seeing anyone else he‘d like to talk to, he takes one last look inside Starbuck's ready to leave, and walks out, face to face into Michelle who was cringed in the
corner of the entryway to avoid being trampled.
Her uninhibited social skill from meeting many people over her lifetime brought out her
well-chosen words instantly. She'd say anything flattering to a guy faster than anyone is
prepared for.
Michael's youthful bearded face and crooked smile was compelling almost silly. But he
wasn't that clone of her deceased husband that she'd been looking for.
She quickly chose an appropriate opening line. Looking at his handwritten name sticker
she blurted out, "Michael. I can't forget YOUR name. My son's name is Michael."
He looked at her name tag. "Sorry I have to tell you my daughter's name is not Michelle."
Michael had such a quick wit, an intriguing face and soothing manner of speech. She was
too mesmerized to think of what else to say. Michelle was never tongue-tied before from
meeting anyone.
That moment in time caused Michelle to no longer think of finding that clone to replace Paul. Michael was only 5'7. (Not six foot anything). He has a beard, an item she specified she
did not want. He is many years younger than Paul and even younger than Michelle. Michael
has thinning red hair like Michelle's late father once had. (Not Paul's salt and pepper hair).
Thoughts of conversation starters were tumbling through her mind for fear of losing Michael
for lack of conversation. The connection of Michelle and Michael was electric. It was just
meant to be.
It’s a little easier to meet new friends in Florida. Most people are transplants. “Where are you
from originally?” is not just a line, it’s a sincere question. Usually followed by “How long are
you in Florida?”
They are finding it easy to get to know each other.
This connection came so close to not happening that it's as if they were pushed into each
other by a higher power. How can this be happening? She's thinking, you're everything I
never wanted. You're too short, too young, you have a beard, you're nothing like Paul,
and I'm secretly enjoying everything about you.
Michelle is making a conversation out of habit from all her past experience. She knows it's
just idle chatter, until she can think up meaningful questions. "What do you do for a living?
Where do work. Do you live around here?"
"I'm a software engineer. I live a few miles from here but I commute about 15 miles to work.
What about you?"
"I'm a book publisher, literary books, I also have a busy web site. I'm also writing a book.
I bet you can give me some input if I show it to you. It‘s about online dating."
"I’d like to see it. My friend and I wrote a book once. I bet you could publish it."
She is believing for the first time out of all her dating Michael is a potential next husband.
She loves his eyes and how he looks at her, and his shy little smile, his boyish gentle manner,
and how he says, “Would you like to take a walk on the beach tonight?“
Michael doesn't know he's just about taken her breath away with that request.
She is remembering a love out of the past, a guy who was the same size and complexion
as Michael, and just as boyish and gentle. Michelle was transported back to 14 years old
and summer nights on the beach of Coney Island. This is a summer night in April in Florida.
She recalls her married life in a riverfront home, always surrounded by water, especially
at night. There is a sensual connection developing that didn't happen with any other date.
To behave like a respectable lady, Michelle tells Michael that she is watching out for her
neighbor's daughter, Jen.
She points to where Jen is sitting by a window in Starbuck’s talking with a young man.
“I can't just go to the beach with you right now.” She is really thinking she can't get into
a car with a stranger.
Michael is so innocent, he suggests “Why not invite Jen and that guy she’s with
to come with us?”They head across the street hand-in-hand to Starbuck's. Michael asked Jen, and she
refused to go to the beach with them. "Why don’t you synchronize your cell phones
in case you need to reach each other, and I promise I'll bring Michelle back here from
the beach in exactly one hour."
That put Michelle at ease, and she left with Michael for the beach in his convertible, the
balmy night breeze playfully blowing her long straight brown hair
Somehow a familiar phrase entered their conversation on the beach, "At least this date is
not like a job interview, is it?"
Michael said, "Now, where did I hear that before?" Oh boy! Michelle said that in her profile,
a first date should not be like a job interview.
“I don’t believe this! You read my profile? What a miracle!”
This is her! This is the girl Michael clicked on and read about and wished would like him.
The girl he feared wouldn't like him because of his age. The girl he feared was too old for his preference. She is so youthful, nothing like Ann who at 58 was too old for him
Michael does not have a clue that Michelle is immediately falling in love with him. He is
strongly attracted to her and hoping he can find a way to get to know her better.
They walked the beach as if in a movie, with a perfect moon lighting the crashing waves.
They talked about their backgrounds and life experiences, and dreams.
"I thought I had a hard life." Michelle said. "I couldn't have endured yours. I need a lot of
freedom."
Michael asked her, "Did you ever have a recurring dream? One where you know you're
dreaming the same thing again?"
"Yes, what made you ask? Twelve years ago I dreamed of a house I had never seen.
I dreamed this 5 times. I would enter and to my right there were stairs and a library,
and to the left of the library was a bathroom, making me remember it. The rooms were
to the right of the stairs. But to the left, there was another room and a bedroom, beyond
it was another bathroom, and steps going down from the bathroom. Each time I got there,
I thought the steps went to a basement. I’d get scared to go down the steps and wake up."
"Did you ever think you'd own that house?" Michael asked.
"No. I'd never think that. I owned a house." She told him. She wondered if she may
have just described his house to him. He didn’t say.
They started walking back to Michael's convertible. A perfect night to ride with the top down.
Michelle had developed an aloofness to keep from being hurt by a guy she may date and like
but never hear from again. She didn't know if she could detach herself that way from Michael.
She told herself that next week is a dance at the Marriott another singles event sponsored by Plentyoffish.com, and two guys have asked her if she'll meet them there. She must be able to
detach her heart from Michael in case he never calls.
He gave her a quick dry goodnight kiss on the lips. She was startled by it and thought it was
a sweet gesture. He mentioned some plans he had coming up and that he'd call. But it was no indication she'd ever hear from him again.
When Michelle got home the phone rang. It was Jen all excited. "The two of you are meant to
be. I've never been wrong about those vibes since I'm seven years old. You're going to marry
each other. You have to believe me. You look like brother and sister. You look like each other!"
Michelle just smiled at Jen's sweet concern but did not consider that it had any validity.
Was there ever going to be a second date?
“He didn’t ask me about a second date, Jen. He just said he’d call me. Don’t get so excited.”
Michael could not stop thinking about what he called Michelle's cool kiss. It was a reminder
of a youthful love that for a lifetime he secretly longed to recapture. He carried the memory
of that "cool kiss" like Prince Charming carried Cinderella's slipper. He believed one day he'd
find the woman who belongs to it, and on Tuesday night he had found her..
Michael didn’t want to appear overly anxious. For days he was haunted by the memory of
Michelle and that "cool kiss," until he felt compelled to call to make a second date with
Michelle. “How about a picnic on the beach next Wednesday night? I‘ll pick up a cooked
kosher chicken on the way home from work and meet you at the beach.”
Michelle had a deep respect for Michael’s idea of a picnic at the beach. It is such mature
good taste for a date.
“Do you always buy kosher chicken?” she asks, having a hunch he’s as religious as her
grandfather was.
“Yes, kosher food is all I’ve ever eaten,” he admits. He could have discussed his religious
lifestyle sooner, but he did not know if it would cost him his chance with Michelle. Not
every Jewish person is ready to make sacrifices to preserve the thousands of years of
cultural history and tradition.
Michelle was. She felt intense respect for Michael’s choice of religious commitment, and disappointment at her own irreverent behavior at the same time. She believed deep inside
that there is a G-d and that He would never give her anything she can’t handle.
Her foundation of belief showed itself in her contented smiles. Everyone who knew her
referred to it as her inner peace. People who became close with Michelle would comment
that she always appears to be "high on life."
The second date was an explosion of joy to Michael and Michelle. At last they are meeting a companion who feels perfectly suited to the people they’ve grown to be.
“What music do you like?” she asked Michael.
“60’s and 70’s, Bruce Springstein, Billy Joel, Neil Diamond, The Beatles…”
“I love them! How about Ann Murray?”
“Yes, I like Ann Murray, but I try not to admit it."
“I’m so glad we like the same music,” making Michelle ask, “Do you like to dance?” She’s anticipating a happy, yes.
Instead, Michael says, “I can’t dance.”
“I’ll teach you. There’s really nothing to it.”
Michael answers disappointingly, “I mean I CAN'T dance. Orthodox men can’t dance with
women.”
Michelle lowers her eyes with disappointment, “What about TV?” she asked, wondering what other surprise answers she’d get.
Michael confesses he really prefers old TV shows on DVD. “I dream of Genie, Green Acres, Golden Girls, Gilligan’s Island, All In The Family…”
Michelle is ecstatic. "Me too. I love comedy and silly shows, and happy endings." Michelle tells him. "I was hoping to find a guy whose wife threw him out because he was too silly."
After their picnic they walked the beach scoffing up interesting seashells, and squealing with amazement, as if they’d found treasures put there just for them. They headed back to their
blanket to savor the moonlit crashing ocean. It was getting chilly and Michael’s arm drew
Michelle close and warm. Michelle is thinking how secure that feels after so many months
being alone.
Michael only knows her slender beauty is what he wants to hold and caress. He is entranced
by her long straight dark brown hair. And when she giggles softly at his apprehensive jokes,
he wants to kiss those upturned “cool lips” and fondle her soft round breasts.
Michelle needs only to listen to Michael’s deep voice and gaze into his devilish smiling hazel
eyes to feel trusting and ready for anything that is about to happen. As the night ocean waves
crash on the beach, she senses a wave of peace sweeping over her like she recalls from a first boyfriend, awakening those new emotions, when she was too young to act on them, at 14
years old.
She and Michael were lying on the beach blanket reminiscing. when suddenly Michelle
blurted “Michael! A shooting star! I just saw a shooting star. I haven’t seen one in so many
years. It must be an omen.”
By the time Michael looked up the star was lost, off into the atmosphere. “I don't see it. Did you
REALLY see a shooting star? I don't think I've ever seen one. What does it look like?"
"Of course I saw one. I wouldn't make up something that serious. It darts into the atmosphere in a matter of seconds like a spark of fireworks, leaving a trail of stardust flickering in its wake."
Then she asks Michael, “Would you get bored doing this forever, never having to work again?”
I could do this forever and never be bored,” There were the two of them lying on a beach blanket under the moon and stars feeling the rush of hormones of two teenagers. Michael asks,
“Do you want to go back to my place?”
Michelle says, “I want to say yes, but I know I must say no. I’m reading a book I downloaded
by a couple of guys who had a lot of failed relationships. They discovered you must be friends
first or the relationship won’t last. It will just be sex and become boring and fall apart. I couldn’t
stand for that to happen to us. I’d like the two of us to be together forever.”
She thinks, whew, I was able to say it. She wonders how she’s going to wind down from
such a high. She feels her heart thumping in her throat, but she maintains her composure
outwardly. She softly tells Michael, “I think we better go home now.”
All the way home Michelle is wondering about the book she downloaded by the two guys
who'd had many failed relationships. The book would cause any woman to be suspicious
of having a relationship until the “friendship” was so bonded that a long term commitment
was inevitable.
Michelle wonders how she'll know when she and Michael are really inseparable "friends."
She figures you need to know a lot about a person to call them a friend.
Michelle realizes she hasn’t spent much time talking to her kids, and they have not been in
touch with her. She decides to send a happy email message about Michael to her son‘s wife,
Elaine..
Hi Elaine!
I know you kids are working long hours and traveling when you can any time off from work. I don’t expect you to stay in touch too often. It’s Wednesday night and I know you’ll be thrilled to hear this big surprise, the love story of a lifetime. It finally happened. Below is a picture of me with Michael. He was the first date that I finally felt “chemistry” for after so many dates, WOW!
My friend Jen convinced me to go with her to a PlentyofFish.com singles event at Starbuck’s in Mizner Park where I met Michael. He called again and I told him to name a time and place and that I'll see him then. I knew just hearing his voice, "It's the chemistry." The more I talk to him the more I want to talk to him.
He was urging me to come to his house for dinner, and I told him it's not advisable for me to go to a guy's house. So he made us a picnic at the beach. Tonight we agreed we felt like two teenagers falling in love for the first time. It was so perfect.
But he went miles out of his way to get us a "Kosher" roast chicken. He's more religious than I am. I asked him if he only eats kosher food. He said he never ate anything that wasn't kosher. He won't eat anywhere that isn't kosher.
No wonder he didn't find a girlfriend yet. I didn't know he keeps a kosher kitchen. I told him I think it's very commendable. I was never able to do it.
I saw a shooting star tonight when we were sitting on the beach. It must have been an omen.
Hello Mom
I’m very glad you found love....We are happy for you. Someday we will need to meet him!! I cant wait. We like Kosher restaurants too. We are open today/ It’s Sunday and its so so so busy I can’t believe it. I opened the gates at 11 and three cars came in like they were waiting and the lot is full now...no place to park!!! luv Elaine
Michelle had looked up the profile of the all the guys in the past before she dated them.
Meeting in person at a singles event didn't give her the opportunity to learn about Michael
before she became involved with him.
That thought inspired Michelle to return to her computer and look up Michael's profile at PlentyofFish.com. She wasn't sure she'd learn more about him by looking him up. But she
was curious about what he had to say about himself.No! Tell me it isn't so! He's been divorced for only 3 weeks? How cruel of him not to tell me. If I saw his profile before I dated him, I would have asked him a lot more questions!
She had to confront him about it. How can you become "friends" with a man may still be emotionally attached to someone else?
When Michael called to confirm their third date, she admonished him about it. “I hoped to
find a new husband and not wait indefinitely to start a new life with someone. You're not
exactly available yet, are you?”
Michael said "You're a year ahead of yourself. You can't be sure a relationship will work just because someone you go with is free to marry you. And you may find by giving us a chance, we'll eventually be together forever." He tried to convince her to wait, that he was really not going back with his ex-wife. “Can’t we just go to the beach again?”
Michelle said, "I need time to think about it." She did think about what he said. She went to Barnes and Noble and piled up the latest self-help books about dating emotionally unavailable men, a topic totally new to her.
A gruff masculine voice from behind her said, "Put the books back." It was her gay friend Zach of all people.
He saw Michelle's dilemma. he said sternly. "You're an adult. If that's what you want, go with your gut. If it doesn't work out, move on and come back to us. Don't beat yourself up. Just have fun." But no one else took it so lightly. She kept hearing from everyone in the group, except Zach, warnings about getting hurt.
Michael wasn't giving up easily. That night he decided he'd call Michelle again and encourage her to just meet one more time and go to the beach.
She really wanted to hear convincing phrases from Michael, knowing all the while it is wrong to date a man who isn't totally available, but she wants so much to be with Michael she decided to take a chance.
They spent Sundays swimming in the ocean, fishing, seeing the Florida attractions, The Glass Bottom Boats, Parrot jungle, Monkey Jungle, Sea World, Lion Country Safari, an Israeli Festival, Butterfly World, the flea markets.
Remembering the advice from the book by those two guys, she teased Michael every so often with, "Do you think we're friends yet?" She had feelings for Michael that were overwhelming like none she'd ever felt. All he had to do was gaze into her eyes or say a few loving words or touch her. She melted inside in readiness to embrace his muscular body and she sensed emotional heights erupting like fireworks. She felt so trusting and secure every time they held each other close.
They spent most evenings meeting at the beach, finding and thrilling to seashells like two teenagers. They enjoyed life together and were becoming inseparable.
And one rainy night, since they couldn’t meet at the beach, Michelle was going to Michael’s place for the first time to watch a DVD of The Boynton Beach Club. It reminded them of where this friendship began. A comedy about people dating again later in life.
“Michael, this is the house. The house I dreamed about 12 years ago. I’d know it in a minute.” Who knows why such strange events happen to people. Michelle took it as a sign that they were just meant to be together… Now they began barbequing dinner at Michael's house, watching hilarious old TV shows archived on DVD.
They laughed until they fell into each other’s arms and sensed a sensuality like neither of them had ever experienced.
She distorted her friends' warnings about "possibly getting hurt" by saying, "If I find someone else, it is Michael who will be hurt."
But she had no intention of leaving Michael. The more she got to know him, the more she loved everything about him.
Michelle knew Michael is in awe of her rare spontaneous response to him, an uninhibited sensuality, that he may be experiencing with a woman only once in his lifetime.
Though the issue of Michael's divorce is settled, there are new problems in their path, and it's up to the higher power who threw them together to try to make this relationship stay together.
Michael is too recently divorced. Michael fears if his ex-wife or his family hears about Michelle so soon, they will suspect that Michelle was in Michael's life long before she actually was. He explains to Michelle that they need to wait a few months before he can introduce her to anyone.
“I can’t have my family thinking that about us, it‘s not fair, don’t you agree?”
But Michelle can introduce Michael to her group of friends at Barnes And Noble and to
her son and daughter-in law. She emails her daughter-in-law once again and gets a shocking
disappointment.
Hi again Elaine
Michael will come to Boynton Beach soon. He's going to show me how to make my kitchen kosher so he can eat here.
Maybe we'll all go to that kosher restaurant in Green Acres next Sunday if you're available. Sunday is really the only day Michael can come here. It gets late by the time he gets home from work, so I meet him at his house a couple of nights a week when he arrives home from work. I thought maybe my son Michael would offer to take the four of us. I just suggested it to Michel and he’d love to meet you. He's so special. G-d must have sent him.
Mom,
Your son Michael has had only 6 months since his father died, and not only that, this is the fourth guy you wanted to marry in two months.. I kept telling you your son was not ready yet.. let him get used to the idea of you dating... but no you had to push him, and he does not respond well to that...you have no idea how strange this is...When you sent me the picture of you and Michael... I burst out crying... I don’t know why... it was so strange to see you with another man...yes we are happy but don’t push him on your son Michael.
It’s only been a couple of weeks since you started seeing him...why don’t you wait until it's the right time to marry someone and just be happy being happy dating, and don t involve us until you are sure.. We don’t have a lot of time like you do, we worked until 3oclock yesterday sold 18 rooms of furniture and we wanted to go to the Banana Boat where he thought you two could come there ...but when I told him he could not go there because of your friend Michael’s religion, your son Michael got pissed.
He was tired and cranky and hungry and he just does not want to meet him yet. He wanted to go where he wanted to go and he would not have been nice so its way better this way....you don’t want to be with him when he does not want to do something...first Daniel then Alan then the lawyer.....etc...its too much for him to handle...give him time see if this pans out you don’t need to get married so fast if its true love....
Elaine,
You never paid attention to a word I said. 4 months? There was no "other guy" I was going to marry, only Michael. Daniel disappeared. I had no romantic interest in Alan or the lawyer. They were just dates.
I haven't had a husband or even an adult male friendship in YEARS!!! When should I live, after I'm dead? I'm 58 years old!!! I do not apologize. Paul told me that when he dies the best thing I can do for my well-being is find another husband. He said it won’t be easy.
Religion? My son Michael was Jewish until he chose to assimilate into another culture. He never stood still long enough to be thankful for the thousands of years of the history of his beautiful religion preserved for him. People who were just like us made such major sacrifices to preserve our religion for us, so that we would know G-d. It’s about time we remember to thank and honor G-d. I felt as if meeting Michael was a message from a higher power.
I sat here for 6 months straight with Paul dying and not a word of concern from his son. Now he cares??? I cried my heart out 24 hours a day after Paul died. And still not a word from his kids!!!
Then I decided to get a life. Online dating is fantastic. I made dozens of friends who all shared similar experiences. Then I told you I met Daniel online, who was so into poetry and he wrote to me with such eloquence. It was exciting. He wanted me to stay at his house so we could get to know each other, and I don't know what became of him, but that was 4 months ago. I still believe I’ll hear from him, but I’m no longer interested obviously.
We still need to keep this from Michael’s kids for a while. Kids may believe if there's no "other woman in the picture" maybe their parents will go back together. Kids don't understand parents divorcing.
Mom…
First of all his kids can get over their parent’s breakup... Their parents are both alive. For him to keep you a secret from his kids ... this is just an excuse because his kids did not lose a parent they are probably glad the fighting has ceased....
Elaine -
Their parents were married for 25 years. They never witnessed any trouble. Michael and his wife never spoke in front of the kids. If I don’t play my cards right, I could have 3 kids ganging up against me. How we handle this is scary to say the least. I'm surprised at you that I have to tell you that.
My son Michael hurt my feelings so bad, by insulting Michael's integrity by refusing to meet him, that when I shut the phone I burst into tears, and it took Michael hours to get me back to my happy self that he loves. We've been so happy every minute we're together. Michael felt so sad for me. Thank G-d he is mature enough to handle it wisely.
He said not to be angry, that my son Michael is still my kid, and no matter how old we get he'll always be my kid.
But now, where I was going to meet Michael's kids during Pesach, he's afraid they'll behave like my son Michael. So I have to go two weeks without seeing Michael or meeting his kids. Isn't that a nice way to start off your mom's second marriage?
If my son were an example of morality, he'd be entitled to express himself. But I remember your "LOVE SHACK." I told you I didn’t approve, but I let you do it your way.
Mom…
As far as love shack, we don’t care if you are shacking up, its just the fourth guy you were going to marry in three months..
Elaine…
You till didn't hear me! I wasn't going to marry anyone I dated! But I am a widow. I am free to do as I please. I'm even free to switch partners and marry someone else yet, if I so choose.
Michael and I have lived a lifetime already and raised our kids to adulthood. We know what we want in a partner and what we don't want. It's not your "Love Shack."
Understand that we aren't just "in love," we are the most perfect match that heaven ever put together. We can't imagine a day for the rest of our lives without each other. We can't imagine how some force of fate put us together, that's how unlikely it was that we'd meet.
I don't know how to forgive my son. My feelings were so hurt, and I was so embarrassed. I was so proud to have you meet Michael. He was so worried about my kids liking him, and that's what you two did to him. He is a jewel of a person. .
Mom…
Let’s not keep arguing. Your son says he’s sorry. You mentioned kosher chickens. There’s a sale on them at Costco. Why don’t we all go to Costco together?
We can meet on a more casual and friendly level that way.
Elaine..
You always find the right thing to do. My Michael says that will be fun.
Meanwhile Michael is hiding Michelle from his son who is coming to Florida to visit. He tells her he must also hide her from his aunt when she visits next month. He has kept her well-hidden from his social circle at the Synagogue. He wants to avoid answering to anyone about Michelle because word of her may get back to his ex-wife in New York.
Michelle starts to worry that hiding their relationship is because Michael is not sure they are going stay together.
She thrives on family values, yet she has told all her friends and her son and her brother about Michael.
Michelle glows with inner beauty when she meets new friends. Who wouldn't be proud to introduce her to everyone they know?
Elaine emails Michelle,
“Hi, Mom,
What a swell guy Michael is. Your son apologizes and so do I. You two look like you were meant for each other.”
Michelle emails back
“Thank you, kids…I would never bring home the wrong person. You had to trust me.”
Michelle is worrying that to Michael perhaps they were never really "friends," just lovers. Perhaps Michael only felt lust for her out of his loneliness and disillusionment and had no plans to introduce her to anyone, ever.
Will this relationship go further or dissolve? According to that book Michelle was accepting advice from, by the two guys with the failed relationships, the word "Friends" means becoming part of someone's life before having a physical relationship with them.
And now, will she pay a high price emotionally for letting her guard down and not heeding their warning about loving someone who's not yet available.
She is becoming more aware that Michael is forcing her to endure in a "closet," hidden from everyone meaningful to him as weeks go by. It's a valid excuse to not antagonize his ex-wife and family, but it's not a lifestyle she wants to be part of. And it's scary.
Michael is socializing with his established friends, with his son, and soon his aunt. Each time they visit Florida Michelle is alone again, shut out of his life for a week or more. The worst part being that she can't even call him if she has an emergency.
To prevent a confrontation that may end their relationship unnecessarily, Michelle condescended to silently endure the deepest hurting insult she has ever felt, not being permitted to meet Michael's son or his aunt, never being introduced to anyone as his "friend" until he “feels” safely distanced from his divorce.
She concludes that allowing herself fall in love with Michael was the worst choice she'd ever made. She knew now why she would never date an unavailable man again if there will be such a decision to make.
While Michael’s son was staying at Michael’s house, Michael snuck to visit Michelle at her house..
She snuck to his office bringing him lunch, while his son was at the house. But it was a long ride in exchange for very little time together. Michelle could only feel shut out of Michael's life. She told herself this may not be love. It may be more like a man cheating on his wife, she suddenly started to wonder if he had second thoughts about going back with his ex-wife. Could he be keeping Michelle on hold in the event his ex-wife would consider trying again?
She was already feeling too deeply hurt from the reality of being kept in a closet while Michael was socializing. She wasn't sure of her emotions for him any longer. Afterward she felt sad for having secretly met with him. Will it ever be magic again? Is it over now? Is this how love affairs feel when they're ending?
Oh, no, it’s another Saturday. She won't hear Michael's voice until after sundown Saturday if she does hear from him at all on the Sabbath. If Michelle had a crisis in her life, Michael has his phone shut off for the Sabbath, so she cannot reach him.
As of sundown Friday he's with "friends" at shul and doesn't need Michelle at this time. She feels neglected and foolish, and wonders if they'll ever be making love again. Did he really mean it would take time before he can introduce her to people, or did he mean he isn’t sure if he will tire of her, so why introduce her to anyone?
After sleeping alone all week, feeling like the man she loved had hidden her in a closet, and waking almost every hour because the bed alongside her was empty, this night she wandered into the den and turned on the TV, lied down on the sofa and sobbed herself asleep. She awoke disoriented the next morning in her clothes with the TV talking away.
While Michael is away from her, she now has time to visit the support team she left behind in Barnes And Noble. Whoever is lonely hangs out there reading or talking till closing time at 11:00 PM. Michelle drove over to Barnes And Noble believing there would be a self-help book that will tell her once and for all whether she is really in love and if it will endure, or is this just a love affair that will fall apart?
She looked from one title to the next until she came upon such an outrageously titled book, "Kosher Sex." It is based on biblical expectations for a good relationship by a Rabbi, Shmuley Boteach.
What Michelle and Michael feel for each other is love. Yes, you can fall in love on the second date, and the relationship can grow and last if you want it to. A physical relationship isn't
necessarily a wrong choice. Sometimes it intensifies a relationship by making us feel needed. He said, "People need to feel needed," which was Michelle’s first instinct after Paul died.
Now Lucy joined the group. It is so good to see her quiet Boston refinement. Michelle met Lucy in Dunkin' Donuts four years ago. It wasn't until Lucy came here to read in Barnes And Noble every night for a few hours that they got to know each other better.
59-year old Lucy has a modest naturalist demeanor, neat short gray hair, a typical middle aged roundness. Comfort has replaced her youthful fashion sense. In contrast, Michelle's gleaming natural dark brown hair and youthful beach-style fashions cause her to appear much younger than her age.
But the group is greeting Michelle with a joking cheer, rapping on the tables and saying “Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!” They want to know, “Are you back to stay or just here to visit?”
She feels embarrassed and lies to the group “Everything is just wonderful with Michael. I just can't meet his family yet, until he‘s more distanced from his divorce, so I’m staying home alone for a while. And now she realizes she's just added lies to what may be a deteriorating relationship.
It’s too painful to face the support team and say she is returning to online dating. She remembers their warning about not getting hurt, and Daniel's well-intentioned messages.
Where is Daniel now? she wonders. I wish I could tell him he was so perceptive about new relationships.
She confides in Lucy about these sad emotions. Lucy is so quiet and nonjudgmental, the kind of person anyone would trust with a secret. She turns to Lucy and gives her a friendly hug. “Michael said he’s going to introduce me to his friends at shul when I get back to him.”
Lucy says, “You’ll need to wear long skirts, below your knees, and keep your chest and arms covered at least to your elbows.”
“I know that. Michael already told me. He said the women don’t sit on the same side of the shul as the men, either.”
“Watch who you talk to,” Lucy confided, “Don’t trust anyone too soon. Mature women can be vicious and catty and try to destroy your relationship.”
She starts recalling Daniel’s words:
"And, yes, it's nice to remember those old intense love feelings but things have changed since then, and I believe people take a more practical approach to relationships based on experience and acquired knowledge."
It would be wise to use your head and benefit from past mistakes by not repeating them because you were so blinded by the light.
One thing is certain, all romantic adventures always carry a certain amount of risk which of course cannot be avoided."
***********
Michelle had no understanding of what Daniel was saying to her a few months ago. Whatever happened in Daniel's life that he disappeared for January, February, March, and now April?
She sighs to herself, I let myself be blinded by the light all right. I did not know what Daniel was trying to warn me about. But I knew I was making a wrong choice to let myself keep dating an unavailable man. Sure I could fall in love and get a broken heart and sad memories to carry with me forever. I deserved what happened to me.
Michelle wonders if it may be a lot more difficult to connect with a man again and stay that way. Her late husband Paul said it won’t be easy, but try. She’s had fun, wonderful dates with guys she met online, and even a guy around the corner. Where are they now?
Late Saturday night Michelle returns home from her visit to her friends at Barnes and Noble. She checks her email, and wow… word from Michael arrived at last. He apparently couldn't get a chance to use the phone in front of his son. After midnight he escaped to his computer just to say, "Miss ya. Love Michael."
Michelle looked at his picture on her desk, and with tears of joy and relief streaming down her cheeks emailed back, "I miss you, too. One more day to go." Just that simple reality made all her feelings for Michael surge again. She knew she loved him and that she was trying to build a mental wall to prevent having her heart from being broken to pieces if this relationship has to end.
Sunday night Michael called from his hiding place in
the shower.
Michelle had to tell Michael about the book Kosher Sex. "I had to buy it. There are some paragraphs in there I want to read you. You know how I cared that this was really love and
that we can eventually have a lasting marriage."
To her surprise, Michael said, "I read some reviews about that book. I wanted to read it myself."
She's thinking that the insult she was feeling had begun to erode that pure sensuality she felt for Michael originally, the sense of deep trust that caused her spontaneous responses to his touch.
How she wished nothing had interrupted the early growth of their relationship. It seemed so unfair. The beginning of a relationship is so fragile. She was already so deeply hurt from the reality of being kept in a closet while Michael was socializing, she wasn't sure of her emotions for him any longer.
Michelle opened her email to send a note to her lifelong friend and confidante Helen. She's anxious to tell someone who is nonjudgmental how she feels right now.
An email comes back from Helen, "You forgot that my husband Arnold was only separated when I went out with him. We couldn't let his wife and kids know about us. It all worked out. You‘ll see. It will all work out if you just swallow your feelings for a while."
Michelle was sorry she didn't understand what Helen was going through back then. Now she understands.
Monday night Michelle arrives back at Michael's house with a week's worth of clothes, the book "Kosher Sex" and her laptop. She is filled with enthusiasm and love. But she can't bear another week-long bout like this. She is fed up with sitting here while he goes off to socialize for hours at the synagogue.
Michael says, "What's that sad look? What are you thinking?"
"Are we friends yet? I don’t think friends hide their friends. When your aunt visits to shop for a condo, and I have to leave like that again for a week, I think I should stay away until you’re ready to bring me into your life. I don‘t want to stay hidden any more. .”
That night Michael did not sleep thinking of life without Michelle in it. He sat in bed gazing at Michelle, wishing his past were behind him. He left for work without a night's sleep.
But he knew Michelle was right. Every time he socialized, she had to be abandoned. It's not something you do to your best "friend." It was time to introduce her to the people in his life. He did not want another day in his life without Michelle by his side.
He called her from work just to tell her that. “The Saturday after my aunt Hannah leaves I want you to come to shul with me,” he says.
Then he asks Michelle, “Do you really think my family will believe the proximity of the divorce and us? What if my kids say they want their mom and dad back together again? What do you think I should tell them?”
Michelle said, “They need to understand that you should not live out your life all alone. It’s
not even safe to have nobody nearby watching out for you every day. Tell them that, and
tell them if there has been too much discord between two people, feelings can’t always be repaired. Some people can‘t stay married to each other and live a happy life.”
Michelle promised him “I'll use the best of my experience as a mom to hold our whole family close together. I want to have a family so much. Can they envision you going to work all day and coming home to nothing...no companion, no one to shop, cook, clean, wash, and care what happens to you? If they really care about you, they‘ll want you to be happy.”
Michael has a long-time chat friend online, Annette. She’s the friend who told Michael to sign
up for Plentyoffish.com that fateful night. Annette used to cut hair and now she owns a
real estate web site. Michelle suggests that Michael invite Annette to cut his hair so they
can meet Annette in person for the first time and thank her for connecting them. Annette is curious to meet Michelle and they quickly become friends.
Michelle suggests, “We can invite Annette to a thank you dinner when your aunt Hannah comes. Annette can help your aunt buy a condo… and Annette can bring "her friend Michelle" to your dinner. Lo and behold, your aunt gets to meet me in the strangest way.”
"What a perfect idea. I'd like you to meet my aunt Hannah." Michael has a festive dinner
ready for Hannah when she arrives from the airport, and two dinner guests, Annette and Michelle.
Michael's 79 year-old, plump and rosy-cheeked aunt Hannah arrived on schedule.
She hopes to find a condo to buy to retire in Florida.
During dinner Michelle tells Hannah, "I have a book publishing web site that needed professional help, and I've been friends with Annette since way back. Annette told me I should meet your nephew Michael, that he'd be very helpful. So, I consulted with Michael online before this dinner. It's a pleasure to meet him, and you, in person."
Hannah looks at Michelle suspiciously and hardly speaks to her all evening. She is directing conversation at Annette because Annette's services may be useful. She thinks she has no need to know Michelle. She hasn't a clue that that Michelle may become her niece through marriage to Michael.
After an awkward evening of dinner with Michael's aunt, and endless contrived conversation, where they kept avoiding slipping about their more serious relationship, he walks Michelle and Annette to their cars in the driveway.
He whispers to Michelle, "Listen, why don't you park by the clubhouse across the lake and come back in through gate by the pool. My aunt wears a hearing aid. I'll flash a light across the lake when she takes it out and goes to bed."
Michelle had to grit her teeth to keep from laughing so loud his aunt would hear them. "You're on!" This was it. No more weeks or days without each other. His aunt never knew. Each night Michelle would park across the lake at the clubhouse at 10:00 and walk to Michael's back porch.
They sat in his porch swing overlooking the lake and talked and laughed and made plans about their future for hours before Michelle drove back to her own house.
All week if Hannah's not plowing through newspaper ads, she's going to appointments with Annette and hanging out on the phone with friends and relatives. In her spare time she loves to cook for Michael and play board games with him when he gets home from work. At last, the week was up and Hannah left for the airport never suspecting someone was with Michael every night at the other end of the house.
Looking lovingly into Michelle's face, Michael says, "In a month or so we'll announce our engagement and never have to behave like sneaking teenagers again," Today Michael enjoyed hearing a receptionist at the tire store mistakenly call Michelle "Mrs. Harris."
Michelle gave Michael her lingering magical smile that said so much.
"I love that face," he said.
Now that Michael's aunt is aware of Michelle, Michael feels more comfortable to introduce Michelle to his circle of friends at shul. Everyone was eager to meet Michelle and welcome her to this little close-knit community of 53 members. Michelle was eager to learn everyone's name and start learning about them.
Michelle remembers Lucy warning her to be careful, that there are jealous and catty women
at shul, not only "holy" women. But Lucy didn't warn that converting to an orthodox "observant" Jew, from being just an American of Jewish heritage may not be possible for a strong-willed, creative individualist. Michelle already fears being forced to focus on cult-like religious rituals.
She tells Michael, "I don't think I can do this. I can't learn Hebrew. It's mind boggling enough
to keep up with my web site and my customers. I don't really want to do this."
"You're saying you want to leave me?" Michael asks, in the typical pretense men use
that they are baffled, when they are really opposed to what they heard.
"No. I'm saying I don't want to learn Hebrew. Does that mean I have to leave?" Michelle
feels tears well up in her eyes, she turns her head away and puts a hand over her face to
hide that she's starting to cry.
"You're smart. You read a lot. I know you can do it. You can do anything you put your
mind to. I wouldn't have dated you if I didn't think you were smart." He encourages her.
"You're asking me to change who I am if I want to be with you. I did not ask you to change the slightest thing about yourself. I just wanna go home."
"You're not leaving. You're a keeper," Michael answered. "I always had doubts about other
women, that maybe I'm making a mistake, maybe there's someone better than this. But not with you. I knew right from the start, this was it. You're the one for me. I haven't thought about anyone else for a minute since I met you."
Michelle didn't know how to answer. She just hugged him. He's answering her dilemma as if he
never heard what she's expressing. What's the use? It's the kind of understanding a woman can expect to get from a man. She thinks to herself, I'll need to make this decision by myself, but I won't marry someone deceptively. A marriage like that can't last.
Michael and Michelle were invited to Shabbos dinners at the homes of many different members. Many of the same members met again at dinners at different homes. Everyone appeared to love Michelle and was happy to add a new "observant" member to the fold. Michelle was impressed. It was many years since she had so many caring friends.
It still wasn't the most comfortable life for Michelle. Members gave her gifts of Hebrew learning materials. She was overwhelmed by the thought of learning to read Hebrew. She felt lost looking at prayer books with pre-written prayers instead of those she'd always said in her heart. Out of respect, she would silently read the English paragraphs while others read the Hebrew prayer pages.
Michael and Michelle always shop for food together. Michael reminds Michelle to watch for kosher symbols on any food she takes off the supermarket shelf. Michael gently chides her for setting down dairy plates on the meat counter and vice versa.
Michelle tells him, "I get distracted and I forget. If the counter is cluttered, I just use the nearest empty space. If you're in my way I just use the other sink and it's the wrong sink."She is feeling frustrated at trying to please Michael like a good lapdog with what she believes to be unimportant trivia. The whole week seems focused on Shabbos is coming, and this holiday or that is coming, all requiring shul and prayers and formalities. There are too many holidays that all have no significance to Michelle. She never heard of them in her home.
As weeks go by, Michelle is thinking she is forced to make these unnatural changes. Michael is just being himself. All his friends are doing what they choose to do. She is remembering home and her hang out in Barnes And Noble, her funny friends and absurd amounts of dates. Like Dorothy in the Wizard Of Oz she's thinking, "There's no place like home."
She never tells Michael that she is contemplating leaving. She is torn apart inside from feeling forced to change from the worldly person she is into an Orthodox Jew. She needs to make a heart wrenching decision with the help of no one. It was easy to promise Michael she could convert to his ways. Actually doing it was not easy. She wakes from a strange dream. It was so vivid that she has to tell Michael, "I dreamed I was leaving you, and your friend Artie was helping me move out."
"You're not leaving. You're a keeper," Michael answered, not knowing the turmoil in Michelle's mind.
She reflects on her love for him, his humor, all the hilarious moments, his gentle ways and good nature, his honesty and integrity, the way his eyes study her sometimes, his face, his love-making, his Hebrew-based wisdom...how does one say good-bye? It will be a new kind of grief and aloneness to adjust to having shared love with Michael. But how can I marry someone like this and live a lie?
How long will our marriage last before I can't cope with being someone I'm not? She wonders. It will hurt him less if I say good-bye now than if I can’t stay married to him later.
Saturday night, 8:30 PM, Michael is turning the phones back on after Shabbos. A new message appears on Michelle's cell phone, not by email.
“You have a missed call here,” Michael calls to Michelle while she’s cleaning up the kitchen.
“I’m too busy for that right now. You can play it back for me. I’m not hiding anything,” she calls to him.
Michael starts mimicking what he hears, “Hello, Michelle. It’s Daniel. I just got back from Atlanta. I missed you so much. Give me a call at this number.”
“Oh, no. I don’t believe you. You’re teasing me, right? Give me the phone,” she says, in disbelief. She is hearing Daniel's soft voice for the first time. It is a softer sweeter voice than she imagined from his athletic masculine collection of pictures.
Michelle replays the message: "Hello, Michelle. It's Daniel. I just got back from Atlanta. I missed you so much. Give me a call at this number.”
Michelle stood there dumbfounded. She had briefly mentioned Daniel to Michael on their first date because online daters tend to mention memorable dating and chatting experiences. She was enamored by Daniel’s eloquent communications, but she didn‘t believe she‘d ever hear from him again once so many months passed with no word from him..
Sunday Michelle paid her weekly visit to her own house, 15 minutes away from Michael’s, and picked up her mail at her neighbor and dear friend, Eula.
Among the weekly sack of bills, catalogs and sale flyers is a letter. A rare item in this age of cell phones and email. A lovely handwriting, also rare these days, reads:
Dearest Michelle,
I am extremely sorry to have left you for so long. But I am
finally back home, hopefully for good. Call me if you can. Otherwise, if you are currently not able to keep in touch,please disregard this note.
I tried to call you to tell you how beautiful your words meant to me. Thank you ever so much for being my friend. I hope someday soon that we may meet each other and satisfy life’s deepest thoughts.
Love, DanielM
Monday afternoon Daniel tried calling again. Michelle answered and couldn’t believe her
ears. “Daniel? Oh my gosh. I can’t believe this. I never thought I’d hear from you again.”
Daniel poured out what he had to say, not realizing that Michelle may have a new love,
“I want you to know that I just got all the books and letters you mailed me while I was away… What can I say?… I still love you. Let me know when we can meet. It will be such a thrill just to meet you. My computer was down, so I mailed you a letter. ."
Monday afternoon Daniel called again, “I want you to know that I just got all the books and letters you mailed me while I was away. What can I say? I still love you."
Michelle starts to answer, "I want you to know that I will always treasure the memory of our friendship. Your eloquent emails lifted me up at the lowest ebb in my lifetime. My husband died a month before I met you. Remember how I told you I dreaded being single?"
"Yes, Michelle. I remember. I didn't want to be single either. It will be such a thrill just to meet you. My computer is down, so I mailed you a letter. You'll probably get it today. Let me know when we can meet."
Michelle answers him: "I met someone who I care about very much, and to quote you, Daniel, I allowed myself to be blinded by the light. I fell passionately in love again."
Daniel's voice cracked as he answered her with, "I remember what you said. How old is he?"
"He's 50. I know it sounds odd, but it's as if we're the same age."
"When is your birthday, Michelle? I remember it's November, but what year?"
"November 25, 1950."
"Hmm. I turned 61, April 17."
"I remember that, Aries, April guy," Michelle teases.
"How long are you going with him?"
"Three months."
"And how's it going?"
"I worry about things," Michelle confides.
"Things? Like what?"
"He went with someone for a whole year and broke off with her. It scares the heck out of me."
"Why did he break off with her?"
"He said she was too negative. To me, that's as good as no excuse at all. I was hoping to find out more. I fear he gets tired of his women or his mean side shows up. Wouldn't you expect something earth-shaking to go wrong if people are so seriously involved?"
"You have a point there.”
“And he’s religious...He's an Orthodox Jew. I have to make a lot of changes to be with him, but he doesn’t have to make any changes to be with me.”
“I'm not in any hurry to find anyone, Michelle. Give it all the time you need. If it doesn't work out, I'll be here for you whenever that time happens. I'm sure you'll know three months from now." Daniels voice cracks again, "I still love you."
"I know. And I'll always think of you and our special friendship and the poem I wrote for you. But I still disagree with your view about today's relationships. I still believe the past is easy to forget, and remembering it serves no purpose. We have the ability to reinvent ourselves and plan the future. We CAN fall passionately in love again."
********
Michelle tells Michael she had a short chat with Daniel. She reassured him that she no longer has any romantic feelings toward Daniel. But while she says that, she has a wistful expression on her face that she can't hide. It was almost as if Daniel were her first love, and she remembers him and their emailing experience affectionately.
She asks Michael, "Do you think I could actually meet Daniel some day?"
"Only if I go with you," he answers.
Then she realizes it would be a very wrong thing to do.
It's Saturday once again, Labor Day weekend. Michelle is attentively keeping the kitchen kosher when she uses it and enduring the regimentation of shul. She's proud of her appearance in her long flowing skirts and dainty blouses, the only thing she finds pleasant about Shabbos.
At noon Michelle is walking home from shul with Michael along the lake enjoying the ducks
and the Florida summer breeze tossing her filmy summer skirt, when suddenly the ground slipped out from under her.
Her foot caught a hole in the pavement hidden by dried grass, and she landed on her left hip. She sat there stunned for a several minutes, afraid to attempt to move.
"Try to hold my shoulder, and walk home with one foot," Michael said, thinking it was just a sprain.
In spite of the worst pain she ever experienced, Michelle pushed up with both hands from the ground into a standing position. She leaned her arm around Michael's shoulders and it was useless. The pain was too severe to move. "Go get an ambulance," she said again softly.
There are exceptions to using phones and riding on Shabbos. This is one of those times.
Michelle said, "Get an ambulance. I can't move. I think my hip is broken"
Michael headed up the path that led onto their street and home to call an ambulance, but as luck would have it, a bunch of people were at a yard sale.
Michael ran up to the neighbor conducting the yard sale and asked to borrow a phone. When they heard what happened, one called for the EMT.
Another neighbor, a gray-haired, short stocky male nurse, brought Michelle a makeshift seat.
He told Michael, "Go with the ambulance and call me later. I'll give you a ride home."
Soon Michelle was lifted onto a stretcher and rolled into the ambulance, with Michael by her side, heading for the nearest hospital. The x-rays confirmed she had a broken femur, the thigh bone near the hip.
She had surgery Sunday morning to have a rod inserted in her thigh. While Michael waited patiently for the results he called Michelle's son and her brother to notify them.
Sunday night, Michael said to Michelle, "When we didn't come back to shul Saturday evening they knew something must be wrong. I told everyone at shul what happened to you. They all said a prayer for you this morning."
Monday was Labor Day, a day off from work for Michael, which he spent at Michelle’s bedside. A call came from her brother William, whom she hadn't spoke with in a long time.
In walked her daughter-in-law Elaine, always corn-silk haired and sparkling with gold and diamonds, and Michelle's tall handsome son, a reflection of her late husband Paul, holding an early-autumn-looking flower arrangement .
It was Labor Day, a day off from work for Michael, which he spent at her bedside. A call came from her brother William, whom she hadn't spoke with in a long time, and in walked her daughter-in-law Elaine, always golden-haired and sparkling with gold and diamonds, Michelle's tall handsome son.
"Wow. We've got the whole family together for one moment in time," Michelle told William. "My brother, my son, my daughter, (as she affectionately called Elaine), and my Michael."
Michelle notices while she's on the phone with William, catching up about his busy life,
her son Michael is saying to Elaine, "Thank G-d she has Michael."
Yes, it may be selfish. He may have thought at that moment, he didn't need to have his life disrupted to help his mom. But now he understands that no time is "too soon" for people alone to find a new partner.
By Monday afternoon Michelle was able to learn to walk assisted by a walker that would be her partner for the next six weeks. Tuesday she was transferred to a nearby rehab facility. The visits and phone calls from rabbi's and friends at shul made Michelle realize the value of this new circle of friends.
She thinks of Michael, his loyalty and affection, their love for each other. The decision to convert to being "observant," to share their respect for upholding G-d's laws, started to make sense for the first time. These are people living by what G-d expects of us.
She remembers what she told Daniel, "The past is easy to forget, and remembering it serves no purpose. We have the ability to reinvent ourselves and plan the future. We CAN, and should fall passionately in love again."
The next task to conquer was to find a wedding date when all the family could come to Florida and celebrate with all their friends on the same weekend. That day had to be Chanukah.
The end
Epilogue
The men and women in "Life, Phase 2" have endured some deep hurt. Permanent scars are embellished on their hearts. They deserve to be bonded in a happy blemish-free relationship
at last.
As Ralph Waldo Emerson put it: "Make yourself necessary to somebody."
Thinking of the other person's needs is the secret to success in creating a meaningful new relationship. When you are needed by the other person, that person will want to cater to your needs.
If you find that you "fail" or get hurt in a relationship, you don't have to take it to mean that there's something wrong with YOU.
Worrying and all kinds of false and negative beliefs can take over your mind and "infect" the way you think and feel. Unfortunately, lots of people worry endlessly about what
might be wrong with them when things suddenly fall apart with the special one in their life.
Getting into a new relationship and making it work can be as simple as being emotionally independent. Not a time to burden that person with your fears, demands, jealousy and worries.
Some spoil their chance for finding happiness because they have unrealistic expectations or they think negatively. They dwell on unfortunate past experiences, rather than look forward to the good new life that is possible with the right person.
And some NEVER find a way to recover from this and get back to a healthy and happy emotional place in their lives... which ends up getting in the way of creating something better in the future with another.
The truth is, some people make another person FEEL free to pursue their dreams because of their own sense of freedom and independence, and some will "drag" another person down because of their neediness and insecurity.
When you realize people need a good measure of private personal space and an encouraging help-mate, (instead of caring about what YOU need), you'll become desirable to be with. It will get you everything you want without asking.
********
What if your partner seems to be more distant or different with you. Is something is really wrong? What if the reason is what YOU are bringing to your relationship with what you're thinking and worrying about?
The energy you're putting out there doesn't sound like it's the kind that would inspire one to feel energized and passionate around you.
Take a minute to appreciate what it is that you both share. And take a minute to feel GRATEFUL for and who that person is.
The love that you feel inside you will grow stronger and richer and brighter.
Now that you can feel this love, think about how that person responds to you when you are
this way.
Does he or she reject this kind of feeling from you? Withdraw from this? No. They CRAVE being with the one who is in this place of love, and who brings this incredible and irresistible energy.
How does this energy and love that you share, which your loved one craves compare to the uncertain and worried energy and over-analyzing that you're bringing to your relationship?
And now, think about how this energy could be affecting them? And how is it affecting you?
Here’s an interesting note from "Coming Apart" by Daphne Rose Kingma (Life-Phase 2 authors have no affiliation with that book or its author - it's just something a friend passed along.)When we meet someone and become romantically involved, we
are connecting at a certain level, and throughout the relationship, each person grows and evolves... The best relationships (the ones that last) are when one person's growth challenges and encourages the other person to grow as well.
However, in a lot of relationships, one person grows and the other just isn't capable of meeting them at their new level,
which is why the relationship starts to "Come Apart."
A relationship between two human beings, each with their own flaws, is bound to have problems to work through and challenges to overcome.
Partners in a drama-free relationship don't place unrealistic expectations on love.
I recently heard a wise saying: "unrealistic expectations are planned resentments."
In other words, when you expect something impossible from someone you love (e.g. perfection), you're bound to end up resenting them for letting you down.
The good news is that once you DO break up, you are now ready for someone to come into your life who CAN meet you on your new level, and you'll enjoy a much healthier, happier relationship.
When you look at breakups that way, it can help you to see that most so-called "failed" relationships aren't a waste of time, but rather learning experiences that help you grow and, ultimately, can prepare you to meet the person you truly belong with.Afterwords
It all started when my friend Kate posed the question: "What's the
WORST first date you ever had?"
Before we knew it, we were going around the table, trading
war stories:
There were the blind dates that practically made us go blind
with boredom...
Online match-ups where the guy who showed up looked absolutely
NOTHING like his profile photo (and NOT in a good way!)...
And of course we all had our share of dates that started out
with so much potential, until we discovered that the guy still
lived with his mother at age 33, liked to belch the alphabet after
chugging a beer, or looked better in eyeliner and mascara than
WE did.
The stories just kept coming, each worse than the one before it.
I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard.
(I guess it was when I escaped my OWN worst first date in 1999!)
But that's the great thing about disastrous dates:
As agonizing as they are to get through in the moment, they almost
always make a HILARIOUS story to re-tell afterward.
Thankfully, though, not all first dates are so obviously lousy.
(Thank goodness, right?!?!)
More often than not, they're a mixture of exciting and
anxiety-provoking, interesting and baffling, fun and awkward.
In other words, TOTALLY CONFUSING.
Truth be told, it takes much more than just a first date to know
for sure how you really feel about someone (and for them to realize
just how fabulous YOU are too!).
And even if your first outing with a guy doesn't result in instant
chemistry and love-at-first-sight, it doesn't mean that those
intense feelings won't develop in time once you've had a chance to
shake off the nerves and get to know the REAL person behind the new
date outfit and minty-fresh smile.
It's the age old question: Can men and women be "just friends?"
The answer depends on who you ask.
In my experience, it seems that there are one of two scenarios
going on in most close male/female friendships:
1. Both parties harbor secret feelings for one another and are
afraid to confess it in case the other doesn't feel the same way
and it ruins the friendship.
2. One person feels completely platonic (love-ya-like-a brother/
sister) toward the other and would be totally shocked to discover
that the other is interested in more than friendship.
I've yet to come across a super-close friendship between a man and
a woman where at least ONE person hasn't at least CONSIDERED what
it might be like to become romantically involved.
We've been conditioned by enough "happily ever afters" in the
movies to believe that the one person we're meant to end up with
has been right in front of us all along.
And hey, it COULD be...
But taking a special friendship to another level is tricky business
The only way that you can truly decide whether
it's worth it is if the possible benefits outweigh the risks.
STEP 1: Answer these 3 questions, and be honest with yourself:
1) Am I sure about how I feel? Do I really love him in a romantic
way, or do I just love the way his attention makes me feel?
2) Go with your gut here: "The thought of kissing him makes me...
A) "feel excited butterflies in my stomach" OR
B) "feel kind of icky, like kissing my brother."
3) Are these feelings surfacing on their own? Are you positive that
they aren't a result of an external factor (rebounding from a
breakup, feeling jealous that your guy friend is seeing someone
new who's taking his attention away from you, etc.)
If you can answer 1) Yes, 2) A and 3) Yes, then continue on to
Step 2...
STEP 2: Try to analyze where he's coming from based on a few
factors:
* How long have you been friends?
- If you met a few months ago and became fast friends,
and now spend every waking moment hanging out, there's
a chance that he DOES have romantic feelings for you
too and either can't get a read on you or hasn't had the
guts to try to take things to the next level yet.
- If you've known each other since kindergarten, I hate to be
the bearer of bad news, but you may be stuck in the
Platonic Zone. If he's had 20 years to make his move and
hasn't, he just probably just doesn't see you "that way."
* How does he act toward you? Is he incredibly flirtatious or does
he keep it totally buddy-buddy?
* Is he dating anyone right now? (If so, I definitely recommend
keeping your feelings to yourself for the moment or he may be
upset with your timing...)
* Has he been in relationships with other women while you two have
been friends? If so, how has he handled it (tried to get you and
the girlfriend to be friendly, dumped the girl if she couldn't
handle his close relationship with you, etc)? This can give clues
about how he really feels for you.
* How does he act when YOU'RE in a relationship with another guy?
Have you picked up on any jealousy from him?
* Has he ever brought anything up - even in a joking manner - about
what it would be like if the two of you got together?
If your answers to the above lead you to believe that he might be
interested in you romantically, then I have one final thought for
you to consider...
If you tell your best friend how you really feel and he doesn't
feel the same, even with the best intentions on both of your parts
to maintain the friendship, the truth is that the dynamic will be
changed forever no matter what...
HOWEVER, if you feel very strongly that you are in love with him,
the dynamic of your friendship has already changed, even if it's
only in your head. If you get NEVER told him how you feel, you
probably wouldn't be able to move past your feelings and be content
with just being friends. How would you handle it when he found a
serious girlfriend or got married?!?
The next time you're commiserating about bad dates or relationship
troubles, you could try testing the waters to see how he feels by
saying in a joking tone, "maybe WE should just get together. We get
along better than anyone we date!" and see how he reacts. If he
blows it off, just let it go and change the subject. But if he
seems to take it seriously, you may just have opened the door to
start a conversation about something that's been on his mind for a
long time too.
Who knows... it might be the start of a whole new chapter in your
relationship. And relationships that are built on strong
friendships are the best kind!
There's no foolproof plan, unfortunately, but I hope that my
suggestions will help you decide if it's worth the risk and give
you an idea of how to approach the big conversation.
